Episode Recap

Today I’m calling out a mental trap that quietly derails a lot of marriages—especially during reconciliation: confusing “shoulds” with “musts.” In other words, turning your personal standards (how you think things ought to be) into non-negotiable boundaries (lines you won’t cross)… and then wondering why connection stalls.

I walk through common husband “shoulds” like, “My wife should work on the marriage.” “She should go to counseling.” “She should apologize for the affair first.” “She should’ve told me before she left.” Many of these are good standards, but when you elevate them into musts—or use them as a scoreboard—they create pressure, control, self-justification, and misalignment. You end up focusing on what she “should” do instead of what you can do to move the relationship forward.

The fix isn’t to ditch standards. It’s to keep standards and boundaries in their proper places, extract the core need under your “should,” and get creative (and humble) about unconventional ways to meet that need right now. Often, order matters: the hard conversation or formal apology you want may be what seals healing, not what starts it. Build safety and connection first; the rest follows.

Bottom line: when you feel a “should” rising up, pause, ask why, check the order, and look for another path that builds alignment instead of a standoff.

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Core Themes

• Standards vs. Boundaries:
  Standards (shoulds) = the bar you’re reaching for. Boundaries (musts) = lines you won’t cross. Don’t lump them together.
• Order & Timing:
  Some good things belong later. The apology/affair debrief often seals healing rather than initiates it.
• Creative Problem-Solving:
  If the “by the book” route isn’t working, find an unconventional path that meets the same core need with better buy-in.
• Alignment over Pressure:
  Pressure creates opposition; alignment creates dialogue.
• Self-Ownership:
  Let go of weaponized “shoulds” and double down on the part you can control—your flexibility, humility, and actions.

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Most Thought-Provoking Quotes

• “Keep your shoulds in their proper place.”
• “Get clear with yourself about the difference between a should and a must.”
• “Standards are the bar you set; boundaries are the line you won’t cross.”
• “These shoulds are so easily used as weapons or instruments of self-justification.”
• “The conversation about the affair often seals the healing, not initiates it.”
• “When we take the pressure off… we’re finding alignment, and where there’s alignment, there’s dialogue.”
• “The very first thing I want you to train yourself to do is to step back and say, ‘Why do I think this should happen?’”
• “Most people mindlessly lump standards and boundaries together—to the detriment of both and the destruction of the marriage.”
• “My ultimate goal is just to increase your flexibility… when you can get humble and get flexible, it’s a good thing.”

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Key Takeaways

1. Name it: When you catch a “should,” label it as a standard, not a boundary.
2. Extract the Why: Ask, “What core need is under this should?” (Safety? Healing? Intentionality? Clarity?)
3. Check the Order: Would this be more effective after we’ve rebuilt some safety/connection?
4. Find Another Path: Brainstorm unconventional ways to meet the same need with better buy-in (e.g., coffee chats ? later counseling; small trust habits ? later affair debrief).
5. Release Pressure, Build Alignment: Drop the ultimatum tone. Create space for dialogue; alignment invites honesty.
6. Mind Your Inner Script: Even if you never say it out loud, an internal “she should…” loop hardens your stance. Replace it with “What can I do today that moves us toward the same goal?”
7. Hold Real Boundaries (when needed): Don’t demote true musts to “shoulds” just to avoid conflict—especially if you’re conflict-avoidant.
8. Lead with Humility + Flexibility: Humble, creative leadership from the husband is often the fastest path to traction in reconciliation.

If you remember nothing else: Don’t let a good “should” become a bad “must.” Keep standards high, boundaries clear, and look for the path that builds connection now while still aiming at the deeper repair you want.

Much manly love,
– Stephen