This is the recommended starting point for ALL men facing separation, even if other factors also apply.

After helping thousands of men going through separation, I've learned what works and what doesn't.

Below you will find a step-by-step set of resources designed to rapidly teach you the most important lessons that will help you save your marriage and pull yourself through this crisis.

The Mindset

Leave Desperation Behind To Re-Discover True Love

This article is recommended reading for all separated men, regardless of your goals.

What’s the very first thing you MUST do to get your wife back? Let her go. I know, it sounds backwards, but this mindset actually puts you in a win-win position. Read more to learn why you need this mindset and how to start using it in your marriage today.

The Let Her Go to Get Her Back Mindset

The Strategy

Rebuild Your Marriage When You're The Only One Trying

Go to the main page to get a quick overview of the strategy in written or video form.
Then, come back and listen to the 4-part podcast series below.

The 3+1 Separation Strategy is a powerful, simple and actionable outline of the strategy that I’ve seen the most men follow to get their wife back after separation. It’s three steps working towards one goal, all to give you the best chance possible at saving your marriage.

The 3+1 Separation Strategy to Get Your Wife Back

Popular Posts

Common Challenges During Separation

Below you will find answers to the most common questions that men have when facing separation.

Let’s step away from the divorce strategy talk for a moment. Let’s assume you’ve done your due diligence, you’ve talked to a lawyer, and you’ve done the move out checklist… At the very least, you are prepared for the worst-case scenario. You know the risk. Now let’s talk about the rewards… What are the potential benefits of moving out?

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My wife and I are separated and she has taken off her wedding ring. I still wear mine because I am committed to fighting for our marriage. Should I take my ring off to try and relieve pressure on her? Or is it better to keep it on to show her I want the marriage to work?

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Are you looking for the exact thing to say to get your wife to stay in the marriage? How do you get her to believe what you already know — that the marriage can make her happier than divorce, if she would just put in the work with you? Before I tell you the answer, I’d like to ask you a question…

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You’ve made positive changes as a man, and you’re a better husband than the day your wife left. The problem is, your wife can’t see any of it because she won’t see you or communicate with you. And if you do see her, she gives you the cold shoulder. How do you show your wife your changes if you live apart and she won’t communicate?

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The Basics

Wait... What Does "Separated" Even Mean?

If separation is a complete shock to you, there's a good chance  are mere hours or days out from your wife telling you she wants out

Standard Definition

Let's be honest, separation can mean different things to different people. Since separation can either be legal or informal, its definition will depend on your circumstances.

Big picture, I think of separation as...

Separated: when your wife wants out of the marriage, but you are not yet divorced.

This can put you anywhere on a pretty wide spectrum.

Your wife might want space to think about things, and has told you that she isn't sure about her future commitment to the marriage. You still live together and get along, and things might feel normal more often than not.

That^ is separation.


Your wife might have already moved out, met with an attorney, drawn up a separation agreement complete with finances and custody, and cut off all non-business contact with you.

That^ is also separation.

Obviously, one of those situations presents a lot more opportunity for reconnection than the other. But, that doesn't mean there's no hope if your situation is closer to the latter.


  • A huge majority (upwards of 2/3) of divorces are filed by the wife, rather than the husband. You are not alone.
  • According to East Carolina University, approximately 1 in 4 spouses report thinking about separation.
  • Average length of separation varies from study to study. From my personal experience, most men should plan to measure their separation in months.
  • Rates of reconciliation also vary, both between studies and between circumstances. We know sharing children does increase the likelihood of reconciliation. We also know that shorter is usually better, but that once you get past the 4-6 week mark, your odds don't significantly diminish again until beyond the 2 year mark.

Different Factors That Affect Separation

In some ways, every separation is different, because every marriage is different. You and your wife have a unique story, you've faced unique challenges, you are each unique one-of-a-kind people.

However, after a decade and change of coaching men through separation, I've identified some different "metrics" by which to gauge any separation's intensity.

  • Living arrangement - Still live together, live totally separately, or "nesting" where you alternate time in the marital home.
  • Stage of separation - my own personal way of measuring how far the separation has progressed, see The Separation Roadmap.
  • Firmness of Intent - is your wife dead-set on the divorce, or does she seem to have moments of doubt or even outright questioning?
  • Pace of Action - Is your wife taking real-world steps to make divorce a reality, such as meeting with an attorney or looking at places to live?
  • Fidelity to the marriage - Is there any sort of other relationship going on?
  • Level of personal crisis - Both for her and for you.

These are the sort of things I'm looking for when first meeting with a client, so by sharing them I hope to give you some context for your own position.

Is It Possible For Her To Come Back?

Yes, yes, yes!

Although the Let Her Go Mindset means that we can never guarantee that your wife will come back, here's what I can tell you.

I have seen marriages saved...

  • Even after full-blown, years-long affairs.
  • On the literal day that the divorce papers were set to be finalized.
  • After the wife insisted for months and months on end that there was NO hope, NO chance, she was NEVER coming back.
  • Even after the wife insisted she only got married to have kids, she never truly felt love, and was determined to find her true self.

Do you know what every single one of these success stories has in common?

They were really, really hard to get through. None of them happened easily or on accident.

But, the good news is, there ARE things you can control in this situation. And most of those things start in the mirror.

All Separation-Related Articles

Separation-Related Articles

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