Episode Details
This one’s for any man who’s heard, “You need to be more validating.”
I lay out why our default fixer response—solving the problem the moment our wife brings it up—so often backfires. When she shares a problem that carries hurt feelings, a quick solution makes her feel unheard and often dismissed (“If you’d just do X, you wouldn’t feel this way”). I share a personal example (holiday prep / kids’ parties) where my “Just tell me what to do” came across like, “Please stop feeling that way so I can move on.”
The fix isn’t to stop solving problems; it’s to add skills before the solution. I define validation (say the truth she already knows, in your words), and then give you three simple mental cues:
- Validation first
- Curiosity, not judgment
- Imperfect is allowed
We walk through how to reflect feelings and facts (“I’m sorry I did X that led to Y”), why curiosity opens her up (ask before you decide), and why not every hard talk needs a neat bow right now. Sometimes the win is making room for her feelings, naming the part you agree with, and planning a part two.
Bottom line: stop being a one-trick problem-solving pony. Lead with validation and curiosity, then offer a concrete action (not a permission-seeking question). That’s what actually feels connecting.
Core themes
- Fixer vs. Validator: Solutions are useful; solution-first is the problem.
- Emotional landing pad: She needs a safe place for feelings to land before logistics.
- Three cues that change everything: Validation first … Curiosity, not judgment … Imperfect is allowed.
- Language that owns impact: Move from “sorry you felt” ? “I’m sorry I did ___ that led to ___.”
- Allow venting / part-two talks: Not every conversation must end in agreement or a fix.
- Lead with action: After validation, state what you’ll do (don’t make her manage you).
Most thought-provoking quotes
- “She still wants to SEE the solution, but she wants to HEAR validation first.”
- “A fixer would be when your wife expresses a problem paired with a hurt feeling… and then you respond with a solution.”
- “Validation is when you say the truth that she already knows out loud and in your own words.”
- “I’m trying to get you to stay away from ‘I’m sorry that you felt this way’ and towards, ‘I’m sorry, I did this thing that caused these feelings.’”
- “Curiosity, not judgment.”
- “It’s like you are the hammer that only ever sees nails—and that’s not a good way to go through a relationship.”
- “Imperfect is allowed. Sometimes not every conversation is going to be tied up in a neat little bow.”
Key takeaways (what to remember and practice)
- Lead with validation. Reflect back the feeling + the true piece you can own: “You’re right—this is a lot. I left too much on your plate. I’d feel overwhelmed too.”
- Be curious before you conclude. Ask two sincere questions to understand her experience before offering any fix.
- Own impact, not just intent. “I’m sorry I did ___ that led to ___,” lands; “Sorry you feel that way,” does not.
- Offer action, don’t offload management. Replace “What do you want me to do?” with “Here’s what I’m taking on: A, B, C.” Let her tweak if needed.
- Allow messy endings. If it’s a vent, receive it. Close with care (“I hear you; thanks for telling me. Let’s revisit after dinner”) and plan part two.
If you keep those three cues front and center—Validation first. Curiosity, not judgment. Imperfect is allowed.—you’ll feel the temperature drop, the trust rise, and the solutions you do offer will finally land.
Hope this helps!
Much manly love,
– Stephen
