Episode Details
Forgiveness is one of those words we throw around without ever really defining it. We talk about it in vague, emotional terms — “just let it go,” “move on,” “forgive and forget.” Sometimes we think, “Forgiveness should be free.”
But when you’re the one holding a debt that nobody wants to acknowledge, that advice falls flat. So let’s talk about what forgiveness actually is, what it costs, and why it’s still worth pursuing — even when you’re the only one willing to do the work.
Why Forgiveness Has a Cost
Here’s the part most people skip over: forgiveness is a transaction. It is NOT free. To the one receiving it, sure. But if I owe the bank $10,000 and the bank forgives that debt, who paid the $10,000?
The bank paid the cost for me.
The same principle applies to emotional debt. When someone hurts you, a debt exists. And once that debt exists, you only have two choices for how to handle it:
- Demand the cost be paid — that’s vengeance (or, if you prefer a softer word, “fairness”)
- Let go of the cost — that’s forgiveness, and the “cost” is never getting right repayment.
That’s it. There are no other options.
The debt gets paid back, or it doesn’t.
The word we use when it doesn’t get paid back is forgiveness. And the person who forgives? They’re the one absorbing the cost.
“Forgiveness is a transaction. If the bank forgives the debt, who paid? The bank did.”
What to Do When You’re the Only One Showing Up
Here’s where it gets real for most of us. Forgiveness is a two-person transaction. You need one person willing to release the debt and another person willing to say, “I did something that hurt you. I need your forgiveness.”
But what if your wife isn’t showing up for her side of this? What if she won’t acknowledge the debt, won’t talk about it, won’t even consider that there’s something to forgive?
You can still do your part. And there is still freedom in it — partial freedom, yes, but real.
Key insights:
- You can hold your hand out even when she’s running from needing forgiveness. Going back to the bank analogy — if the bank decides it’s not worth pursuing the debt anymore, the bank is freed from the role of debt collector, whether the debtor acknowledges it or not.
- If you’re the one who needs forgiveness, you can still take corrective action now, with or without her buy-in. You can stop adding to the debt, and you can get to the posture of humble repentance — even if she’s not ready to receive it.
- Forgiveness cannot be obligated. The moment it’s forced, it stops being forgiveness — the same way love stops being love when it’s compelled.
The goal is proactive reciprocity. If you want your wife to show up with humility, openness, and a willingness to work through things — lead the way. Not because it guarantees she’ll follow, but because it’s the right thing to do and it’s what you can control.
“You can hold your hand out even when she’s running from needing forgiveness.”
Why You Should Do This Anyway
There’s a parable Jesus tells in Matthew 18 about an ungrateful servant. A king forgives a massive debt owed by a servant — a staggering amount. The servant rejoices, goes free, and then immediately has a peer imprisoned over a much smaller debt. The king rescinds his forgiveness.
The principle: If you expect grace, be gracious.
You need more forgiveness than you think you do. Whatever amount you’ve already identified, double it. This applies to all of us. And the whole point of proactive reciprocity is that you’re setting the table for future goodness by leading the way in goodness now.
But there’s another reason that might surprise you. Forgiveness sharpens your problem-solving. Without it, resentment acts like a small parachute dragging behind a race car — slowing you down in ways you can’t quite see. It clouds your ability to meet reality as it actually is, because you’re distracted looking backward at how reality should have been.
Action steps:
- Identify the debts you’re holding onto. Be specific — not “she hurt me,” but what exactly is the debt?
- Decide: pursue repayment or release it. There’s no third option. Sitting in the middle just breeds resentment.
- Do your part in the transaction — whether that’s extending forgiveness or showing up in repentance — regardless of whether she matches you.
- Notice where unforgiveness is slowing you down — in your marriage, your work, your parenting. The drag is probably bigger than you think.
Forgiveness frees you to look forward. It lets you choose objectively how to get from where you are today to where you want to be, without the constant pull of looking over your shoulder. And every rep you put in builds a stronger forgiveness muscle for the next time.
“Without forgiveness, your problem-solving skills are hampered — and you won’t know why.”
If resentment is something you’re wrestling with right now, we went deep on this inside Husband Help Group during our January group teaching — two specific levers you can pull when bitterness starts building. Every month, all members get a new group teaching on a real issue you’re facing, plus the support and accountability of other men in the same fight. You can learn more at husbandhelphaven.com/group.
