Episode Details
Here’s a conversation I’ve had more times than I can count:
“Stephen, I don’t understand why she’s leaving. I never cheated. I never hit her. I worked hard. I made decent money. There was always food on the table. I was nice enough.”
And he’s right — those are all good things.
But here’s the problem: those are the bare minimum standards of a husband you can function in life with. They’re not the standards of a husband who’s actually going somewhere.
The “Passively Decent” Husband Problem
When you’re only checking the boxes of what not to do — don’t cheat, don’t hit, don’t yell — you haven’t disqualified yourself, but you’re not moving forward either. You’re coasting. Maybe grinding. But neither one of those feels fulfilling or directional.
Key insights:
- Without intentional goals, you become a “passively decent” guy. Life is fine-ish — until something out of left field flips the lens and makes it feel unbearable. A parent dies. A financial crisis hits. Menopause arrives. The fine-ish life crumbles.
- The worst-case scenario is worse than you think. Without goals, it’s not just passive decency — you can drift into an egocentric life where your wife picks up all the slack, life revolves around you more than you realize, and you have higher expectations for her than for yourself.
- The common thread is an absence of intentionality. Whether you’re coasting or grinding, the missing ingredient is the same: you haven’t paused to ask where you’re going and who you want to be on the way there.
“You haven’t disqualified yourself, but you’re not moving forward.”
Two Types of Goals You Need
Most of us are decent at setting destination goals — lose 50 pounds, book the anniversary trip, get the promotion. These are the SMART goals, the productivity goals, the stuff that gets talked about every January. But there’s another type of goal that most men miss entirely:
The journey goal
Key insights:
- Destination goals define where you’re trying to go — the milestones, the accomplishments, the end states. Most men are pretty good at these.
- Journey goals define who you want to be as you get there. They’re present-tense statements about what life should feel like in each area, right now — not someday.
- The danger of destination-only thinking is real. I shared a story in a previous episode about a guy named Terry who had a great destination goal — build his family’s dream home. But he completely missed the journey goal. Getting to that destination felt like a miserable grind, his marriage went on the back burner for years, and by the time the house was built, the marriage was in ruins.
Think of it like a sprinter before a race. They’re not just picturing the finish line — they’re visualizing how their feet hit the track, what the turn feels like, which muscles engage. They’re greasing the grooves. That’s what journey goals do for your life.
“You need to know where you’re going. But you also need to know what the journey should feel like.”
How to Do This (A Practical Framework)
Here’s exactly how I approach this. I split my goals by life area and then by layer. I have six areas: faith and ministry, work (Husband Help Haven), marriage, home and family, health, and mind and time. For each area, I write out a journey goal — present-tense statements about who I want to be in that area today.
Here are real examples from my own vision statements:
- Marriage: “My wife and I are madly in love. We enjoy time together on a daily basis. I operate as a secure husband, which means I process my feelings with equal parts expression and introspection.”
- Family: “All of my children experience kindness, love, and instruction from my words and example. I actively look forward to kid time, and I do not escape it on my phone or any other way.”
- Mind and time: “My mind is clear and I’m able to tap into focus when it’s time to work, and I spend my time where I want to spend it.”
Notice — these are not future fantasies. I want to be able to say these sentences sincerely on every day of my life. That’s the standard. Not someday. Today.
Action steps:
- Define your life areas. How do you categorize the things that matter? They don’t have to be my six — pick your own.
- Write one destination goal per area. Where are you trying to go?
- Write one present-tense journey statement per area. Who do you want to be as you get there? Keep it simple — a few sentences, not a manifesto.
- If you’re in separation, focus on goals you can accomplish regardless of outcome. Ask: “Who do I want to be as I go through this crisis?” That’s your journey goal. Let your walk do the talking before sharing it with your wife.
The boxes to tick:
- clarity = I’ve thought about it
- articulation = I can explain it
- accountability = I hold myself to it
- proactivity = I don’t wait for crisis to care about it
“These are not future fantasies. This is who I want to be today.”
If you’re hearing this and thinking, “I don’t even know where to start,” or you know these goals will slip out of your mind by next week — that’s exactly what Husband Help Group is for. It’s a premium support group for men walking through separation with integrity, full of guys who get it and want to help you hold onto hope while living in reality.
Check out Husband Help Group here -> husbandhelphaven.com/group.
Until next time, apply all your might to the things you can control.
With much manly love,
– Stephen
