Episode Details
Are you wondering how good couples end up divorced—seemingly out of nowhere? In this episode, we uncover the hidden pattern behind “back-burner” marriages, where emotional distance and complacency quietly build until an external crisis sparks separation. Along the way, you’ll discover practical tips for men who want to save their marriage, insight into what triggers a sudden desire to leave, and how to stay proactive—even when life is busy. If you’re determined to avoid divorce or you’re already navigating separation, this deep dive into marriage breakdowns will give you the clarity and hope you need to move forward.
References:
At around 30:10 in the episode, I shared an example of what you might say if you’re separated because of this pattern, and your wife expresses frustration over why it took her leaving for you to change. Here’s the quote:
"You're right. I was entrenched in complacency. I took you for granted, and I'm so sorry that I made you feel like your only option was to force change by leaving. You have every right to look out for yourself when you feel like I can't or won't, and I'll also say I have woken up. I do see what I did and I am going to change, but I know that words really have lost a lot of their meaning at this point because you have months or years or whatever of evidence to the contrary."Episode Overview
If someone asked you, “Why would a genuinely happy couple ever end up divorced?” you might assume there was some huge betrayal or irreconcilable difference. But often, the real culprit is far more ordinary: life gets busy, the marriage goes on the back burner, and bad habits quietly multiply. Throw in an unexpected crisis, and that once-great relationship can crumble in a blink.
In today’s episode, we explored the subtle but devastating pattern that accounts for many separations—and how you can avoid, or reverse, this slow drift.
The Pattern That Destroys Good Marriages
“There is one way that I’ve seen happy couples get divorced time and time again: you have a marriage on the back burner, both spouses slowly become at their worst, and then an external crisis hits.”
1. Marriage on the Back Burner
In the busyness of everyday life—work, kids, major home projects—it’s easy to believe you can “temporarily” put your marriage aside. When you plan on returning to it later, you assume both spouses will roll with it for now. Unfortunately, a relationship that isn’t continually nurtured doesn’t stay in neutral—it slides backwards.
2. Both Spouses at Their Worst
When the marriage isn’t receiving care and attention, stress builds and resentment simmers. You may start snapping at each other. You may withdraw entirely. Small annoyances that would’ve been quickly resolved in a strong marriage start feeling like major issues when you’re already at your worst.
3. An External Crisis Strikes
Death of a loved one, financial trouble, an affair, a tempting “escape” from responsibilities—any significant, destabilizing event can be the tipping point. Because the marriage was already withering on the vine, the crisis ignites a ready supply of discouragement and frustration. Before you know it, one spouse decides they’re done.
Terry’s Story: A Painful Example
Terry was a husband who thought his life was going well. He and his wife built their dream home, they had good jobs, wonderful kids, and seemed happy on paper. But the truth was their marriage had taken a back seat for years while they juggled long work hours and the stress of the home build.
Right when they finally moved in, Terry’s wife lost her father. With emotional exhaustion already high, this tragedy pushed her into an identity crisis she felt unable to endure in the marriage. Despite years of loving notes and a seeming harmony before, she pulled away and ultimately moved out—leaving Terry shocked and desperately trying to figure out how it all went wrong.
Why Complacency Is So Dangerous
“Complacency will kill your marriage because only the good habits take effort. Only the good habits take intentionality. Your bad habits, they’ll do just fine without any effort or intentionality.”
It might feel harmless to say, “We can handle a rough patch for a few months (or a year). We’ll circle back to our marriage later.” But that’s essentially giving your negative habits free rein. Meanwhile, the good habits—affection, communication, empathy—require ongoing effort.
- Good Habits Need Action: Empathy, loving communication, and quality time don’t happen by accident. They must be actively cultivated.
- Bad Habits Flourish by Default: Anger, avoidance, or apathy will “grow like weeds” when no one’s paying attention to them.
“Love is the water—if you’re not watering your relationship, don’t be surprised when your wife turns into a cactus.”
If you keep telling yourself it’s only a short season, your wife may feel ignored and emotionally malnourished. Sometimes she adapts by becoming a “cactus”—capable of surviving on minimal love, but no longer thriving.
What If You’re NOT Separated?
“If you are listening to this and you are not separated, never assume your wife is okay with putting the marriage on the back burner. It’s not going to just maintain; it’s going to get worse.”
If you’re happily married or just a bit strained but still together, it’s time to get proactive:
- Never Assume She’s Fine with the Back Burner
Even if she says she understands or it’s only “temporary,” no one likes feeling taken for granted. - Protect Quality Time & Connection
Even during busier seasons, schedule small moments of affection, conversation, or appreciation. - Acknowledge Sacrifices
Show genuine gratitude for what she’s shouldering, whether it’s extra childcare or keeping the household running. Feeling seen can make tough times more bearable.
“These seasons are never as unique as you tell yourself they are, they’re never as short as you tell yourself they are, and they’re always more costly than you tell yourself they will be. So do not put your marriage on the back burner.”
What If You ARE Separated?
“If you’re in a marriage crisis right now and look back saying, ‘Crap, that was me, I did that,’ I hope it deepens your empathy for how your wife got here. There were things happening behind the scenes while the marriage was on the back burner that are worth taking ownership of.”
Realizing you played a part in neglecting the marriage can be sobering, but it’s also your chance to reset. Here’s how:
- Own Your Mistakes
Instead of protesting, “How can she leave after all these years?” acknowledge the complacency. Recognize that if you weren’t tending the relationship, it was wilting. - Show Empathy to Her Pain
Validate her emotional starvation rather than arguing about how “good” things once were. She’s more likely to hear you if you demonstrate genuine understanding. - Focus on What You Can Control
She may not be open to reconciliation right now. Work on being the best version of yourself—calmer, kinder, more resilient. Over time, she’ll see the difference.
“We don’t need to argue with her and try to tell her how good the marriage was. Instead, I’m hoping you’ll be able to just own it—say, ‘You’re right, I did allow the marriage to be on the back burner. I let myself become worse than I wanted to be.’”
The Big Question
“How do I show my wife she’s a priority when she doesn’t want the marriage to be a priority?”
This is the dilemma for many separated men. You can’t push her to reconcile, yet you want to be clear you still value the relationship. The answer will be slightly different for each couple, but it involves consistent, unforced demonstration of positive change without cornering her or forcing her to acknowledge it. Patience, respect, and self-improvement are key.
Encouragement for Men (and Wives)
For Husbands: A marriage that’s gone cold can still be revived. Real, observable change can soften her heart if she sees you making consistent improvements without demanding instant forgiveness.
For Wives: If you’ve been told he can’t change, or if you believe that yourself, remember that real change is possible. People do grow—sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom, but many men transform when they truly understand what’s at stake.
“If you happen to be a wife who is listening to this…I understand why you want to leave, and I do want you to seize your dignity and if necessary your safety—both emotional and physical. But if you’ve been told that he can’t change, or if you’ve told yourself that he can’t change, I want to tell you, he can. I promise you he can. Change is possible. People can change. All people can change—that goes for the wife and that goes for the husband.”
Final Thoughts
Good couples often end up divorced not because of dramatic betrayals, but because they let their relationship run on fumes for too long. The good news? Awareness is half the battle. By recognizing how the “back-burner cycle” works, you can keep your marriage from sliding into that dangerous rut—or, if you’re already there, take ownership and start turning things around.
“I want to leave you with that encouragement that…this is not the end just because this problem has happened in your marriage. It’s not hopeless, even if this pattern has hit your marriage.”
Remember: even when the path ahead looks cloudy, there is hope—and it starts with your willingness to grow, learn, and act.
Next episode, we’ll look at a single powerful question that will help you find your marital blindspots.
Much manly love,
– Stephen
