Are you secretly sabotaging your own marriage? In this episode we explore the provocative idea that “you get exactly the marriage you deserve.” By treating that what-if as reality, you’ll uncover hidden blind spots, tackle avoidant habits, and see why humility—not blame—has the greatest power to rescue an unhappy or separated marriage.

Quick Overview

“What if you get exactly the marriage you deserve? The whole point of this statement is to force yourself to ask the question, what if I am the reason that I’m unhappy in my marriage?”

• My core hypothesis behind this question – “if you are unhappy with your marriage today, or if you believe that it should be better, my contention is that your baggage and your ignorance probably play a bigger role in your marriage dissatisfaction than you realize.”
• Key Takeaway – “You don’t have a ceiling. You do have blind spots.”
• What Are Blind spots? – “things you do that you don’t realize you do, or things that you don’t do that you don’t realize that you should do.”
• What if you view yourself as a good partner? Today’s lesson may still apply. “But it’s not because you’re a stereotypical bad spouse and you have these massive behavioral blind spots in what you do. But you do have behavioral blind spots in what you don’t do. Because being a peacekeeping martyr in your marriage does not make you a good spouse.”

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Top 3 Key Takeaways

• It’s not literally true you always get exactly what you deserve—but acting as if can uncover life-changing blind spots.
• Every marriage contains two flawed humans carrying baggage and ignorance. When those go unexamined, dissatisfaction skyrockets.
• “You don’t have a ceiling—you do have blind spots.” Deny that, and your best-possible marriage stays out of reach.

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Do You Really Get the Marriage You Deserve?

(A Hard Question That Reveals Hidden Blind Spots)

You heard me right: What if you’re getting exactly the marriage you deserve?

No, I’m not out here to condemn you to a lifetime of misery. I’m inviting you to try on a humbling thought experiment that has changed the way many men see their marriages—and themselves. Let’s dig in.

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“Whoa, Stephen… Isn’t That Harsh?”

“The whole point is to force you to ask, What if I’m the reason I’m unhappy?”

Two Typical Reactions

• “No way—NOT me!”
  • Pride talking. Blind-spot alert.
• “Hmm… maybe.”
  • Humility talking. Growth ahead.

“If it is true that you get the marriage you deserve and you are in a bad marriage right now, then the one of two things is going to happen. You’re going to be affronted or you’re going to be humbled. And here’s the good news. If you let yourself be humbled, relationship satisfaction and humility tend to go hand in hand.”

Why the Shock Matters

• The stronger your pushback, the likelier your ego is blocking crucial insights.
• Every marriage carries two flawed humans; pretending you’re the lone exception is fantasy.

Why This Mindset Is Actually Good News

If your choices shape the marriage, your choices can reshape it.

More Power Than You Realize

• Your daily habits influence tone, trust, and trajectory.
• “You have more ability to increase the quality and satisfaction in your marriage, at least as far as you’re concerned, than you think you do.”

Divorce Isn’t the Default Fix

• “If it is true that you get exactly the marriage you deserve, it means that the divorce is not the answer because you can’t divorce yourself.”
• Growth—not escape—is the sustainable solution.

Humility Boosts Satisfaction

• Humble spouses communicate, repent, and adjust faster.
• Ego-driven spouses defend, deflect, and stay stuck.
• Couples who admit faults and adjust quickly report higher long-term happiness.
• I’ll even say – life satisfaction as a whole rises when ego shrinks

A Word to Avoidant “Peace-Keepers”

“Being a peace-keeping martyr does not equal being a good husband.”

Classic Avoidant Habits

• Suppress your feelings, label yourself “easygoing,” and call it virtue.
• Let problems flow one direction (from her to you) while quietly stockpiling resentment.
• Finally explode—or walk away—when pressure gets too high.

The Fix

• Remember: you still “get the marriage you deserve” because you chose silence.
• Instead, practice speaking up kindly, and when you know you need to.
• Recognize that withholding feedback is as damaging as constant criticism. More on this another time.

The Big Reality Check

“You don’t have a ceiling—you do have blind spots.”

We All Come Into Marriage With Baggage + Ignorance

• We all carry past hurt (baggage) and unseen habits (ignorance).
• Deny either one, and you handicap your marriage’s potential.
• “Self-awareness is one of the single greatest skills […] to improve your relationship and make it better.”

Fairness Is Overrated

• Great marriages aren’t perfectly “fair”; they’re mutually generous.
• Sometimes you’ll carry more weight—that’s part of loving well.

Where to From Here?

Act as if the statement is true—and watch what surfaces.

The main point of this episode is reflection – are there any things you’ve done OR failed to do that might have taken a bigger toll on the relationship than you realize?

Here are some ways to carry that reflection forward into your relationship:

If You’re Still Together

• Audit Your Habits – List one thing you do (or don’t do) that might quietly bother her.
• Invite Feedback – Ask your wife, “What’s one area you think I least recognize that I need to do better?” Then listen.
• Act, Don’t Argue – Small, consistent improvements beat grand promises every time.

If You’re Separated

• Own Your Part – Whether you issue an apology or just make an internal shift, the goal is that you find these blind spots for yourself.
• Grow in the Open – Let her see real changes without demanding recognition.
• Stay Curious – It’s not just about today. Keep asking, “What blind spot am I missing today?”
• Want more structured help? Check out Separation-Proof Mindset, Today, my 90-minute starter course for men in marriage crisis. It will set you on the right path to start making the most of what you can control in your marriage.

Closing Thoughts

Adopting the mindset that you “get exactly the marriage you deserve” isn’t about blame—it’s about power. When you see how much impact your choices have, you stop waiting for your spouse to fix everything and start leading the change you wish existed.

Next episode: the single trait every lifelong marriage shares (and how to build it daily).

Much manly love,
Stephen