If your wife told you that she wants a divorce, but you still don’t really understand why or you have no clue what you can do about it, then this article was written for you.
As you continue reading, first you’ll learn the most common reasons why your wife wants a divorce. Then you’ll discover what you can do to change her mind.
In-Post Table of Contents:
(yes, this is a very in-depth resource)
Below you’ll find some of the most powerful tips and techniques that you can use to stop your divorce and get your wife to stay in the marriage.
These aren’t psychological manipulation techniques or Jedi mind tricks; just a good ol’ fashioned understanding of relationships and women.
Understanding Why My Wife Wants Divorce
There are a number of reasons that could explain why your wife wants divorce. Many women have different standards of what constitutes grounds for divorce.
What I’d like to do in this section is talk with you about a few of the most common thoughts that enter a forlorn wife’s head when she’s unhappy in a marriage. Many times these little seeds of doubt will turn into big poisonous weeds in her mind, and undermine your relationship and your marriage.
Reason 1. Boredom
Let’s face it, marriage gets boring.
It’s just a fact of life… Doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong or that you’re being a bad husband, it’s just the way the world works.
However, with sitcoms and reality TV and (dare we say it?) porn, our society has become heavily biased towards instant gratification. In other words, we want to feel good. We want to feel good all the time.
Furthermore, if we don’t feel good, if we don’t feel good all the time, then we assume something’s wrong… We feel entitled to a fast-paced, hyper-exciting fantasy lifestyle. The problem is, that lifestyle only exists in TV shows and make-believe land.
Especially in new marriages and midlife crisis marriages, the boredom can feel overwhelming.
- In a new marriage, the newlywed wife realizes she made mistake, and in a fit of ‘desperately taking control’ she decides to get a divorce.
- The mid-life crisis wife is reminiscing about her dreams and former aspirations, and wondering what life would’ve been like if she hadn’t married you.
I know it sounds mean, but that’s just the way marriage will feel to her when she’s bored. I’m telling you this so that you understand what your wife might be thinking.
Of course, no matter what chapter of life you’re in, boredom is always a possibility, so don’t feel like this problem is restricted only to certain age groups or even certain genders… Men get bored just as often as women. Instead of you saying, “My wife wants a divorce, but I don’t,” it could just as easily be the other way around.
Do note that a bipolar or depressed wife (or husband) is especially susceptible to this problem.
Reason 2. Negative Outside Influence
If your wife’s mother or sister isn’t too fond of you, then over time that negative pressure can become overwhelming. Especially when faced with marriage problems, a negative outside influence can have a magnified power over your wife.
So, if you’ve been having recent problems in your marriage and you know that one of your wife’s close friends or relatives doesn’t like you, that could be a big reason why.
“So, you’re telling me that my wife filed for divorce because of one of her friends?”
Again, chances are that something else is going on in her head that you’re not aware of. But, a negative outside influence could be the catalyst that’s making her doubt overpowering. If your wife is being impatient, then there’s a reasonable chance someone else is pushing her along. Trust your gut.
Reason 3. You Failed to Keep Your Word
Have you made a promise you haven’t kept?
- Maybe you said you’d be more present at home…
- Maybe you promised that you’d break that porn habit by now…
- Maybe you promised her date nights, more time away from the house, to be better with the kids or even to start doing basic household chores…
It doesn’t matter what you promised. What matters is that you made a commitment to your wife and then didn’t follow through.
And then you probably did it again, and again, and then again.
If this doesn’t describe you at all, feel free to skip this point, but I think you can probably imagine yourself in this picture…
Imagine a husband who has become – let’s admit it – a little bit bored in the marriage. Maybe even a little lazy. He just isn’t putting as much energy into the marriage, and it shows.
If you’ve been flaky with your commitments and your husbandly duties, then it could be that your wife has just had enough. Let this kind of stuff build up too long and it’ll definitely become a problem.
Reason 4. Infidelity
This one doesn’t need too much explaining – if you cheated on your wife, then that explains why she wants a divorce. Or, if your wife is cheating on you, then that also explains why she wants a divorce.
Either way, it’s still possible to save your marriage (as I will discuss further down in the article) but you need to make sure that you really want to.
- If you’re the cheater, then you need to make a firm, unyielding commitment to never betray your wife in that way again.
- If you’re the cheated on, then you need to consider the saying, “once a cheater always a cheater,” and make sure that you really want to stay with a woman who’s willing to leave for another man.
Cheating is borderline mental cruelty, so whichever side of the fence you’re on, keep that in mind.
Reason 5. She’s Out of Love With You
Or she’s convinced that you’ve fallen out of love with her.
- Have you and your wife been having problems for a while?
- Is your wife frustrated because of a lack of progress in your marriage?
- Have you tried marriage counseling?
- Did it do any good? Or did things eventually turn back to the way they were before?
It may be that your wife is finally frustrated enough with the lack of progress to give up and ask for divorce.
How long do you think your wife has been thinking about divorce? Is it a recent decision, or one that she’s been stewing on for a long time?
But really, all five of the reasons listed above ultimately lead back to one simple point. There’s only one reason why your wife wants a divorce.
Are you ready?
Do you want to know what it is… The answer to “why my wife wants divorce”?
In the End…
Your Wife Believes Divorce Will Bring Her More Happiness than Marriage
This is the underlying reason behind almost every single divorce. Your wife has made up her mind that divorce will bring her more happiness than continuing to stay in the marriage with you (even if you don’t want a divorce).
She feels like happiness is either too difficult or too far away from where you are right now, and that getting a divorce would allow her elevate her own happiness to a greater height than she can right now. She’s decided to pursue her own happiness individually instead of as a couple.
The question is, what can you do about it?
“My Wife Wants Divorce, How Can I Change Her Mind?”
We know why your wife wants a divorce, but we don’t know what you can do about it. As you continue reading, that’s going to change.
Before you get any further, make sure you’ve read the 3+1 Separation Strategy.
Keep in mind, your specific circumstances and the reasons from above that you think apply to your marriage will both determine how difficult it’ll be to turn your wife around so that she wants to stay in the marriage.
But I have faith in you, no matter what! Here are 5 rules to follow to change her mind and stop the divorce.
Rule 1. Don’t Beg Her to Stay With You
This is definitely not the solution to stop your wife from wanting a divorce.
Many men will throw themselves down on their knees in front of their wife, begging and pleading with her to stay in there marriage… “Please baby, just one more chance.”
Don’t be that guy!
The best thing you and for your marriage is to keep your dignity. Stay strong. Stay focused.
Don’t throw away your manhood by groveling for your wife to stay. She’ll be unimpressed and it’ll be destructive to your confidence and self-esteem when she says no.
Rule 2. Don’t Count on Marriage Counseling
Talk about a high failure rate… Maybe you have experiences different than this, but it seems to me that very few struggling couples get anything out marriage counseling. I know that some counselors are better than others, but still.
There’s only a specific type of couple that benefits from marriage counseling – the couple that’s genuinely enthusiastic about seeing results. It takes equal effort and enthusiasm to make a difference. Even then, it’s not guaranteed.
If you’re saying, “my wife wants a divorce and I don’t,” then obviously you’re wife is NOT going to be an enthusiastic co-participant. The odds of marriage counseling changing her mind are close to none. If you’re lucky, she’ll go through the motions with you, but you’ll never seen any real change. And that’s if she agrees at all.
Personally, my parents jumped between several different counselors over the course of 10 years and never saw any results. And trust me, they were trying very hard to save their marriage, both of them. It wasn’t enough. Maybe that makes me biased – it probably does – but the statistics back me up.
Marriage counseling CAN be effective, sure, but its best suited as a preventative measure (like premarital classes), not as a treatment for existing marriage problems. By the time you see a MC, there’s too much irrationality and pain poisoning the relationship… Logic no longer matters.
The average cost of marriage counseling is $75 to $100 per week, and while it CAN work and you should use your judgment, it is far from guaranteed. Most women who’ve decided they want a divorce won’t be swayed so easily. And either way, it’ll require tons of work.
Rule 3. Sometimes Communication Is NOT The Answer
One of the common reasons that you’ll hear from your Average Joe about why your marriage is in trouble is, “You and your wife have poor communication,” or, “You need to be more honest.” Something along those lines.
Sound familiar? Heard that before?
The fact is that most of the time, open communication is NOT the answer. I wish it was… Open communication would be easy! Wouldn’t it be awesome if a conversation was the only thing standing between you and a healthy marriage with a loving wife?
But it’s not… It’ll take more than that. You need a bigger change than that.
Rule 4. Be Happy In Yourself & Seek an Attitude of Love
Finally! Here’s what you SHOULD do instead of what you should NOT do. Be happy with yourself and seek an attitude of love.
See, your wife isn’t going to respond to communication.
She’s not going to respond to counseling.
She won’t change her mind based on someone else’s opinion.
She will only respond to you and your actions.
Right now, your wife doesn’t have the highest opinion of you. Don’t let that spoil your confidence. Instead, let it be a sign that you need more. You’re a man. You define what you think of yourself.
Here’s one of the unspoken secrets to get your wife back: If you want to win your wife back, then you need to let her go. You need to become strong enough and confident enough that you she’ll believe you don’t care if she leaves.
Isn’t that crazy?
But if you’re honest-to-goodness happy with yourself and your life, and you recognize that your wife is going to do what she wants to do, then you’re putting yourself in a win-win situation. Either your wife sees your change in attitude and is very attracted to it (win), or she continues with her plan to leave you, but that’s okay because you’re happy with yourself and thinking about your future (win).
So, this is the SINGLE BIGGEST SECRET I can tell you:
Love yourself, love your neighbor, and soon your wife will love you to.
And if she doesn’t? Her loss.
Rule 5. Change Into the Man She’s Attracted To
When you and your wife first started dating, I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume she found you attractive. The two of you likely had a natural chemistry that made getting along together both pleasant and erotic.
Think about the first time you kissed your wife.
Think about the first time you went on a date.
Think about the first time you made love.
To rekindle your preexisting attractive qualities, answer these questions about you and your wife’s beginnings:
- What were you like back then?
- How were you different?
- How was your wife’s perspective of you different?
- How do you think your wife perceives you now?
Understanding the answers to these questions will make your life a lot easier. They’ll allow you to see what’s missing, and where things could be improved.
Deep, deep down, your wife probably hasn’t actually changed all that much. She might think differently, she might have different priorities, but at her core she’s who you know. It’s the challenges of marriage that have made you two grow apart.
If you can identify the traits in yourself that made you and your wife magnetic, then she’ll naturally find herself drawn back to you.
Rule 6. Don’t Tell Your Wife You’re Strategizing
The last thing you need is for your wife to be on her guard, ready to defend against any efforts you might make. Don’t let her anticipate anything… Surprises always work better.
If she gets wind that you’re trying to save your marriage, she’ll do one of three things:
- Throw up her emotional wall of defense
- Set extremely high expectations that crash and burn if she’s not satisfied
- Be disappointed if you don’t do the specific things she’s imagined
So, just keep your strategies to yourself.
Plus, if you make a point NOT to communicate your ideas to your wife, then you won’t inadvertently put yourself in a desperate situation where you end up begging her to stay, “Just until I can change for you, baby.”
That’s about the worst thing you could do if you’re saying, “my wife wants a divorce, but I don’t.”
I Know Why My Wife Wants Divorce, What Now?
We’ve covered why your wife wants a divorce and what you can do to change her mind about it. If you use the tips and strategies outlined in this article, you should see your marriage begin to start improving over time.
Your wife WILL want to come back… Just be patient and strong. Be a man. Take on the responsibilities of husbandhood.
It’s okay that you still have questions about this whole mess; that’s perfectly normal! Marriage problems, and especially divorce, make for some very difficult situations. I know that you feel responsible to fix your marriage, but you need to understand that it’s a journey.
So here’s what I’m going to recommend you do:
Spend some more time on Husband Help Haven reading through all the different guides and resources that I have available for you.
Whatever you decide to do from here, best of luck. You can get your wife back, but more importantly, I know that you will be happy either way.
Thanks for reading!
Much manly love,
With much manly love,
I'm Stephen, the guy behind Husband Help Haven. I'm not a marriage counselor or a lawyer, I'm just a guy on the Internet who has talked to a loooooot of men going through separation... Over 2,000 in the past 5 years. My goal is to give men the tools they need to save their marriage from separation. Read more here