“Is my wife lying to me? I can’t shake this feeling that my wife is hiding something from me, or telling me to what I want to hear…What should I do? Is she lying to me?”
What if your suspicions about your wife’s deception were true? What is she doing now that could be giving her away? What could she be hiding? How can you find out what she’s lying about?
Most importantly, how can you detect deception from your wife? How can you go about creating a healthy relationship with your wife even if she’s lying?
As you continue reading this article I would like to help you answer these questions and more. If your wife is lying to you, you’re going to learn what she could be trying to hide behind her back, why it’s okay for you to be suspicious and why it’s not a “petty issue”.
You’re also going to learn several tips you can use to catch a liar red-handed… Tips ranging from conversation cues to posture to eye movements and more.
Detecting deception is difficult and emotional, in this article I’m going to try my best to guide you through the whole process.
Is it Okay to Suspect Lying,
or Care About Something so ‘Petty’?
The answer to this question is simple: Yes, it is good to be concerned that your wife is lying to you. You’re right to be wondering ‘is my wife lying’…To not wonder would be to not care about your marriage.
Furthermore, yes, it’s good that you’re taking time to investigate her deception, and not automatically assume the worst like many husbands do.
Lying is not a petty crime, especially in a marriage. Caring about lying is not a bad thing, or something that should be construed as smothering. You should always be open and honest with each other, and when one spouse is lying to the other generally there is something to hide. There can not simultaneously be lying and trust in a relationship; you can’t say that trust is not important.
It may not be a big problem or issue, but there is something… I’m sure you have already considered the possibility of an affair, and that would obviously be on the worst side of the spectrum.
However, it could be something much more mundane than that, too.
So is she lying to you and why?
Well, typically people lie for one of two reasons: (A) there is something that they are trying to hide from you, such as smoking cigarettes or having an affair, or drinking a little too much, or (B) there is something that she’s avoiding talking to you about; in other words she’s making her own life easier by lying to you. Those are the 2 motivations that can lead to deceit.
Of course, there are also the compulsive liars, but we won’t discuss those here.
So, hopefully at this point you’ve had some time to reflect on what your wife might be lying to you about. Try and think of something other than infidelity that could be causing her deception.
- Did your wife used to smoke cigarettes?
- Is your wife known to enjoy the occasional night out with her girlfriends?
- Could it even be that one of her girlfriends is going through a divorce herself, and she’s afraid you’ll think she’s in cahoots when she’s just trying to help?
Of course, it IS worth mentioning that affairs are becoming more and more popular among women.
We’re almost to the point where just as many women are cheating in serious relationships and marriage as men are. I believe the last stats about infidelity that I checked stated that around 40% of women cheat or have cheated sometime in their life, and about 45% of men. As you can see, the rate of infidelity among women is not too far off from the men as some of the altruistic feminine types might have you believe.
So, What is Your Wife Lying About?
I thought I would go ahead and take a section here to talk about what your wife could be lying to you about. Hopefully reading these options will give you some ideas, and better prepare you for either the best or worst case scenario.
#1. I Think My Wife Is Having an Affair
We’ve already talked about the possibility of a lying and cheating spouse a little bit, but I thought I’d go ahead and get it out of the way early so that we can move on to lesser evils.
Basically, if you’re getting suspicious feeling from your wife, then there is a minor possibility that she’s having an affair.
Is that automatically the truth?
And even if she is having a technical affair, she could be lying about a bad porn habit (which counts as cheating), an intimately developing friendship, an emotional affair, or a physical affair. I’m not saying one of those is any better than the others, but I am making the point that there is still more for you to learn about what’s going on even if you’re sure that her deception is rooted in some adulterous nature.
If your wife is cheating, then getting proof and exposing the relationship is your only option if you want to keep the power through a divorce, but let’s not go that way quite yet. Signs of cheating will be reserved for a different article. I’ll try to remember to come back and post the link here when I write it.
#2. Is She Lying About an Intimate Relationship with Someone Else
If your wife isn’t hiding an affair, she could still be hiding the beginnings of one. With Facebook it has become very easy for husbands and wives both to reconnect with old lovers or old flames.
It could be that your wife has found someone that she’s become very close friends with a little bit too quickly… It could be that she’s hiding her close relationships because she feels guilty, although she’s also probably tell yourself it will develop into anything serious. Of course, you and I know better, but you should be grateful that you caught things early if this turns out to be the case.
Sometimes an old friend really is just an old friend, so you’ll have to tread lightly here depending on how much evidence you have one way or another.
A good way to find out more is to talk to her friends that you know would be honest with you her married friends are the most likely to be candid.
#3. I Think My Wife Has a Guilty Spending Habit
There has actually recently been a new term coined for this type of behavior among married couples… It’s called financial infidelity and it is becoming a more and more common problem in many marriages across America.
The concept is simple, your wife is basically hiding her dependence on money, shopping, and that feel-good rush it only comes from buying something you really really want.
I know that cheating with money is a much lesser crime than cheating with another person, but it’s still a problem that will need to be addressed, and addressed carefully at that. Obviously this sort of thing is probably pretty easy to keep track of… If your wife is constantly flaunting new clothes or accessories, and you don’t exactly know where she got the money, or if you do notice that she’s been spending a lot of money, but she won’t tell you where or what she spending on, then this could be the source or root of your wife’s deception towards you.
#4. Is She Lying About Smoking / Some Other Bad Hobby
Last but not least among the most common reasons why wives like to their husbands is because they are trying to hide some sort of unpleasant habit that they know you wouldn’t approve of.
For example, a very common habit that women will hide is smoking cigarettes. A less common habit would be smoking marijuana / smoking weed / getting high, or possibly drinking with friends (or alone).
Of course, you could probably argue that financial infidelity actually falls into the bad habits category, but if you’re going that far then you could also argue that real infidelity falls into the bad habits category, so what are you gonna do?
We all have habits that we have to keep in check… Whether it’s negligence of house duties, smoking pot, or watching too much TV, almost everyone has something they prefer not to deal with. Your wife has just decided to lie to you about hers, for whatever reason.
As you can see there are a number of things that your wife could be lying to you about, so if you’re not sure, then your best bet is probably to play it safe and only observe, at least for now.
Is My Wife Lying?
5 Ways to Detect Her Deception
All right, now let’s go ahead and talk about what you’re going to do to confirm that your wife is lying to you. As you continue reading this article I’m going to be covering some common techniques that you can use catch your wife in a lie red-handed.
Look at Her Eyes to See When She’s Lying
When in doubt, look at the eyes. They truly are the window to a person’s soul, and even though there aren’t very many confirmed studies on the connection between eye movements and deception, many times when you stare into a person’s eyes you just know that they are lying. However, the two most common correlations between eye movements and whether or not a person is being honest are listed below:
- Looking Up and To The Right – The right part of the brain is involved in inventiveness and creativity, so when you notice that your spouse keeps glancing to the right, that could be a subconscious reaction to increased brain activity on that side. Many people look to the right when making up a story.
- Eye Contact, Too Little or Deliberately Too Much – It is natural for a liar to not make eye contact with you when they are actually telling you the lie. However, because many people are aware of this statistic, they will purposely make eye contact with you. Of course, it will be easy to detect when someone is purposely, and not naturally, making eye contact with you to cover up a story.
Body Language When She’s Lying
There is a whole smorgasbord of body language cues that can indicate that your wife is lying to you. The next time you’re having a conversation with your wife, see if you notice any of these:
- Robotic or Well Thought Out Movements – If your wife has had time to think about her lie in advance, then many times she will try and distract you through grand gestures and well choreographed arm and hand movements. In her mind this will make her story more dramatic, enthralling and therefore, believable. If you’re watching for it, you won’t be deceived.
- Lack of Movements – Conversely, some women when lying will freeze up in a way similar to people who have stage fright. Hands awkwardly at their sides, stiff movement and gestures, no confidence in their actions…I think you get the picture.
- Scratching Her Ear, Covering Her Mouth or Otherwise Touching Her Face – Many people revert to their childhood fixations when they’re nervous (or in other words, lying). It’s only natural, so if you notice your wife is scratching her ear a lot, covering her mouth or touching her lips, or rubbing her eyes or her nose, or anything else that involves touching her hair or face, then chances are something has he
Interpreting the Motivation Behind Her Lies
When your wife is weaving her story there are certain things you can do to pick up on what she’s thinking or what her motivation is:
- Her Story is Too Long and Detailed – This is a classic giveaway that your wife is trying to hide something…It might not even be related to the story. It’s sort of similar to the ‘grand gestures’ point I made a few paragraphs ago…When your wife is lying she’ll make the story
- She’s Being Defensive – many times when your wife is being defensive in the way that she’s talking to you it means that there is something she is forcefully trying to steer the conversation away from. Perhaps she knows that your reaction to her aggression is to “just let it go”. Many times you can look for crossed arms if your wife is being defensive.
- She Doesn’t Have Confidence in Her Story – Many times when a wife isn’t quite sure of herself when she’s talking to you (because she is lying) she will visibly show her lack of confidence through bad posture, clenched hands, or a quiet tone of voice.
How Does She Respond to Your Questions, Accusations or Concerns?
This is a good way to answer the question “is my wife lying?”…Pay attention the next time you confront your wife with something she could potentially be lying to you about…See what her reaction is. It doesn’t have to be something big.
- “Oh, what?” – Does your wife have an initial response that she uses every time she’s about to lie? Many people actually have a verbal tell that they don’t even realize when they’re being less than honest… A common one is to either repeat what you asked them, or otherwise divert your attention to give them time to come up with a believable response
- “No, you’re wrong” – Another very common response that your wife will give you when she’s lying will be to straight out tell you that you are in the wrong. Her response to being caught off guard is to forcefully push you in the other direction as hard as she can, so she will out right denying any lies rather than confess and tell the truth.
- “No, you’re stupid” – taking it one step further, another common response that your wife will give you when she’s caught in a lie is to counterattack by degrading your own esteem or authority. She might call you stupid, petty, unreasonable, father like, or smothering, but she won’t fess up to her own sins.
Other Warning Signs of a Lying Wife
- Facebook or E-Mail Accounts You Didn’t Know About – This is a sign of lying that has become much more common in recent years with the rise of social media sites like Facebook and MySpace. It is easier than it’s ever been to contact and subsequently hook up with random people from ex-lovers to close friends to random single people.
- You Catch Her Lying Through Calls or Text Messages on Her Phone – Have you caught your wife spreading misinformation? Is the story she tells her friends different than the story she’s telling you? Many times you can learn the truth from what she tells her friends better than what she tells you at home.
As you can see, there are a ton of different ways for you to catch your wife if shes lied.
My Wife Lied to Me, What Now?
Whether she’s lying about having an affair, lying about smoking cigarettes, or lying about spending money, I hope that this article has given you the advice you need to come closer to the truth. You don’t have to rush to get those divorce papers signed just yet, I know that you and your wife can work it out if you try. Rebuilding trust isn’t impossible even if your wife has lied to you, it just takes cooperation and patience until she learns to stop lying.
If surviving infidelity is possible (and it is), then surviving deception is definitely possible.
We have lots of other free material on Husband Help Haven if you’d like more help answering the question ‘is my wife lying’ (or any others)…I encourage you to read around a bit. Is she lying, what can you do about it, how can you avoid divorce? These are all questions we answer here on Husband Help Haven.
Thanks for reading!
Much manly love,
With much manly love,
I'm Stephen, the guy behind Husband Help Haven. I'm not a marriage counselor or a lawyer, I'm just a guy on the Internet who has talked to a loooooot of men going through separation... Over 2,000 in the past 5 years. My goal is to give men the tools they need to save their marriage from separation.