Has someone other than your spouse become your top priority?
Or maybe you’re here reading this because your husband or wife wants you to see that your relationship with that “close friend” is actually an emotional affair.
Nine times out of ten, if you need to ask yourself the question, “Am I having an emotional affair?” the answer is probably “Yes.” And if your spouse is worried that you’re in an emotional affair, you probably are.
Please, for the sake of your marriage, be honest with yourself as you read through this quiz. It’s only 15 yes-or-no questions, so you’ll be done in a matter of minutes. If you’re ready, grab a piece of paper or open a text file to keep track of your answers.
I’ll tell you how to score the quiz after you’ve finished.
IMAGE CREDIT: FreeDigitalPhotos.net, jscreationzs
Ready to Face the Truth?
Take the 15-Question Emotional Affair Quiz Below:
[Printable PDF Version] – If you’re concerned that your spouse may be having an emotional affair but refuses to see it, print out this quiz then give them the score sheet afterwards.
Have You Ever Said, “We’re Just Friends”?
If you’ve ever said to yourself “we’re just friends” regarding this other man or woman with whom you have a close relationship, that’s a bad sign. Friendships with the opposite gender work differently when you’re married, and if you have to tell yourself – or your spouse – this excuse, something’s wrong.
Have You Crossed the Line of Secrecy?
The reason emotional affairs are so easy to get into is because most people don’t know the line that defines when a friendship becomes something more. The relationship feels harmless until you’re already in too far. If you’ve ever told your friend something that you wouldn’t have with your spouse right next to you, that’s past the line of emotional infidelity.
Do They Give You More Attention Than Your Spouse?
Did you know that the most common excuse for emotional infidelity is “My spouse never pays attention to me”? Usually what that really means is that yes, there are marriage problems, but you’ve chosen to distance yourself into the arms – either figuratively or literally – of another person.
If your “friend” gives you more attention than your spouse, that’s not a reason to continue the friendship… That’s a reason to figure out what’s wrong in the marriage.
Do You Confide in Your Friend about Your Marriage?
Similar to question #2, if you’ve ever talked to this opposite-gendered friend about your marriage problems or the inadequacies of your spouse, that is a huge red flag.
Do You Have Sexual Chemistry with Your Friend?
Flirting with another man or woman is like playing with fire. Nobody intentionally gives into temptation… It’s something that you slowly open up to through a series of bad choices. If you’re flirting with this other man or woman, then your friendship is dangerously close to turning into something more. Possibly something physical.
Do You Think Only Physical Affairs Count As Cheating?
This is another classic excuse of the emotionally unfaithful. If you feel perfectly fine having an intense, secretive “friendship” because you’re not having sex, then you are misinformed. The very definition of an emotional affair is a physical affair minus the sex part.
FYI – Uninterrupted, almost all emotional affairs turn into physical affairs.
Have You Given up Trying to Talk to Your Spouse?
Most men and women engaged in emotional infidelity think that they’ve done their part for their marriage. They’ve given their marriage problems “the old college try”, and since that didn’t work it’s okay to seek fulfillment elsewhere. The emotional affair is what’s making you feel this way, or at the very least it’s a contributing factor.
Do You Look Forward to Being with Your Friend More Than Your Spouse?
This one’s self-explanatory. If you find yourself looking forward to companionship with another man or woman more than your spouse, that’s a bad sign. Especially in an unhealthy marriage where it’s much easier to give into temptation.
Do You Care What the Other Person Thinks about You?
Once again, if you put more effort into your appearance, your communication, and your general presentation for this potentially illicit friendship than you do for your marriage, that’s another red flag.
Have You Ever Compared Your Friend to Your Spouse?
Even when your spouse is making an effort to be loving or kind towards you, you may underestimate their effort by comparing them to this close friend who you have so much chemistry with. If this comparison has ever been sexual or physical in nature, then you’ve definitely strayed too far.
Have You Ever Lied to Your Spouse about Your Friend?
Maybe you don’t deliberately lie, you just leave out certain details. This is how emotional affairs start. For example, you and a coworker start going out for lunch or coffee every day… Innocent enough except that you don’t disclose this to your spouse.
Do You Feel like You’re Drifting Apart from Your Spouse?
Similar to question #7, you may very well be drifting away from your spouse emotionally, but don’t blame that on your marriage or on your spouse… Even if you had marriage problems before, becoming emotionally involved with another man or woman WILL drive a wedge into your marriage.
Have You Ever Wished That Your Spouse Would Treat You More like Your Friend Does?
This usually won’t happen while you’re actually with your friend, but on your way home as your mind is wandering, or after a frustrating night with your spouse, you may find yourself wishing your spouse were more like this close friend. Usually this is also when you start wondering, ”Am I in an emotional affair?”.
Have You Ever Deleted Texts from Your Friend for Fear of Discovery?
This could also apply to emails, Facebook messages, Skype chats or any other form of communication. Basically, do you ever hide how much you’re talking to this other man or woman?
Are You Reluctant to Give up This Relationship, Even If Your Spouse Disapproves?
Last, but not least, if you feel like you shouldn’t have to give up this extramarital relationship/friendship in spite of your spouse’s feelings, you’re in the danger zone. Your marriage should be your top priority, bar none.
In a healthy marriage, no friendship should ever come before your spouse. You simply trust your spouse’s judgment and enjoy knowing that they would do the same for you, even if you personally disagree with their reasoning.
That’s the last question. Here’s what to do now…
Count Up the Yes’s
Now that you’ve finished the emotional affair quiz, it’s time to find out how you did.
Here’s how to score your answers:
1 or 2 Yes’s – You’re probably not in a full-fledged emotional affair, but you need to turn your attention to your marriage.
3 to 5 Yes’s – You are having an emotional affair, even though it probably doesn’t seem like it to you. It’s time to permanently end of the friendship and give your marriage another shot.
6 or More Yes’s – No question about it, you’re having an emotional affair and your marriage is closer to divorce than you realize. You’re probably in denial about the depths of your unfaithfulness, but rest assured that you have broken the trust of your spouse. The only way forward is to forcibly end the emotional affair. It will be a long and difficult road back to a happy marriage.
No matter where you ended up on the quiz, the fact that you’re here taking this at all indicates something’s wrong. Your marriage needs to become your top priority, no matter what.
You know in your gut whether your “close friendship” has crossed the boundaries of marriage into emotional infidelity. It’s time to take responsibility.
In the end…
If you’ve ever ask yourself, am I having an emotional affair, then you’ve probably already strayed too far. Either way, I sincerely hope that this emotional affair quiz has given you a definitive answer.
Please feel free to check out the rest of the resources in Emotional Affairs 101 for more help figuring things out.
With much manly love,
With much manly love,
I'm Stephen, the guy behind Husband Help Haven. I'm not a marriage counselor or a lawyer, I'm just a guy on the Internet who has talked to a loooooot of men going through separation... Over 2,000 in the past 5 years. My goal is to give men the tools they need to save their marriage from separation.