“Dear Stephen, I don’t know how to argue with my wife…My marriage is on the rocks and it feels like each fight just makes things worse. We can never seem to agree on anything, and all of our arguments seem to recycle through each other endlessly…What can I do to fix my marriage and earn my wife’s respect once again?”
During every single relationship on this flying spaceship we call earth, an argument will arise. It may be something very close to your heart, or something that you don’t really care about, but arguments are prone to occur in every relationship, both romantic and otherwise.
Arguing isn’t necessarily bad, especially if there is a point to it. But to argue just for the sake of arguing, especially with your wife, can lead you to spend the night on the ‘old trusty couch’.
There are ways to argue that can edify both you and your wife as an end result, you just have to learn how to do it right. There’s a way to argue that allows you and your wife to fall in love with each other more deeply at the end of every fight, and there’s a way to argue that leaves you both wondering whether your relationship is in trouble…Throughout the rest of this article I’m going to try to teach you how to do the former.
How to Handle Arguments in Marriage – Let’s Start From the Beginning
An argument is a general disagreement in perception. One might see it black while the other sees it dark blue. The same goes for anything from sex to clothing, from religion to politics and so on.
People can literally argue about anything on this planet. Yet there are levels in arguments. For instance when we talk about a topic like abortion, it can become cutthroat in a matter of minutes. Yet if you argue about the taste of a “Coke versus a Pepsi” or “Jacob versus Edward”, nobody would leave the conversation feeling offended. Well okay, some teenage girls may get offended about the Twilight thing. My deepest apologies for making a reference to that abominable series of books and movies.
But back to the topic at hand – Sometimes it’s better to agree to disagree, especially if you can see that there will be no resolve at the end. The point of arguing is to find a mutual understanding of the topic, and to be “ok” with the end result.
How to Argue With Your Wife – Rules for Effective Arguing
Adopting a humble and modest perspective is the first step to arguing effectively with your wife. This doesn’t mean that you bow down to everything she says, but it does mean mean that you are aware that you don’t know everything and that it is physically possible for you to be wrong. Sometimes even if you think you know something, what you know may not be true.
If you and your wife make a rule to always go into an argument prepared to be wrong, I think you’ll find yourself much more satisfied with the outcomes.
By understanding that you can be wrong, you avoid getting caught up in the heat of things. This isn’t always an easy feat to master; deep down inside we all have a little voice called pride that tells us we’re right.
Have you ever noticed what word the first letters of the following phrase spells out, “We Are Right”?
Remember to always pace your arguments, when things get too heated it is better to pause the argument and save it for some other time when you and your wife can have cool enough heads to have a healthy argument.
When Is Arguing With Your Wife Worth it?
You must always ask yourself if the argument is actually worth it, because senseless arguing achieves nothing. Even when you’re married, you and your wife still maintain individual perspectives of the world and the things that happen in it; you’re both different and have different views. If you accept this, you will notice a significant decrease in your arguing.
Unfortunately, many arguments can not be avoided. A good way to judge whether or not an argument should be pursued is whether or not you actually have a solution in mind to the problem. If you realize that the only reason you’re bickering at your wife is because you had a bad day, then that’s not an argument worth having. If you have a legitimate point or see something that could lead to a long term problem if unaddressed then that’s a good reason to state your case.
Always Look for Solutions, Not Reasons to Argue
As was stated previously, some arguments have more weight than others. By being able to discern what arguments will have solutions, what arguments matter, and learning how to broach those topics in a way that doesn’t involve personal insults for your wife, you will be much better prepared for a happy and healthy marriage. These arguments must be focused on finding solutions as opposed to simply arguing for argument’s sake.
Is Arguing With My Wife Healthy?
Yes it is, but not all the time. All relationships involve argument…It’s only natural. You can have a relationship that grows from disagreement, or a relationship that decays from disagreement. Like I said earlier, when it comes to arguments that affect the strength of the relationship, then by all means argue it out until you find a solution. But constantly arguing about meaningless things is the fast track to finding significant fault in your wife, which may even create resentment towards her.
Both you and your wife can learn from arguments, you just have to pay attention to what you both are saying. Where is your wife really coming from? Is there any way for you to better communicate your own perspective? By asking these questions during your arguments you will be able to keep a calmer head, and ultimately find more satisfactory solutions easier.
It’s important to learn to accept your wife for who she is, not necessarily your perfect version of who you want her to be. You’re not perfect and neither is she; learn to listen to what they say and the arguments in your life should begin to fade away.
With much manly love,
I'm Stephen, the guy behind Husband Help Haven. I'm not a marriage counselor or a lawyer, I'm just a guy on the Internet who has talked to a loooooot of men going through separation... Over 2,000 in the past 5 years. My goal is to give men the tools they need to save their marriage from separation.