My Wife Wants a Divorce for Looking at Porn

You’re here because your wife found porn on your computer.

Maybe this is the first time you’ve been caught. Maybe it’s the third or fourth. Or maybe you’ve had a history of looking at porn and promising you would quit?

No matter how you cut it, your wife has had enough.

No matter how long porn has been a problem, the fact remains that your wife wants a divorce because she caught you looking at porn.

Unfortunately for you, pornography is considered virtual infidelity, legal grounds for divorce in most states.

What can you do about it?

Table of Contents:

Your Relationship with Porn
Why Your Wife Cares
What Arguments to Avoid at All Costs
How to Stop the Divorce and Turn Your Marriage Around

By the end of this article you’ll know why your wife wants a divorce and what you can do to save your marriage.

If you’re had trouble quitting your porn addiction in the past, the tips here should help you to stop.

We have a lot of ground to cover, so let’s get started!

How Would You Describe Your Relationship with Porn?

The fact that porn is even a problem means we need to have an honest man-to-man about your relationship to porn.

Many men have an addiction to pornography and masturbation, even if they wouldn’t admit it. Even if they don’t know it.

I know addiction sounds bad, but it’s important to be honest during this phase…How would you describe your level of addiction to porn?

Read through the following questions and answer honestly.

  • Have you promised your wife you would quit looking at porn in the past?
  • Have you made an honest effort to stop looking at porn?
  • Do you ever look at porn even when you know you shouldn’t
  • Do you look even when there could be severe consequences?
  • After going without porn for a few days, do you start to feel stressed, anxious or ‘on edge’?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, there’s a good chance you’re addicted.

You may not believe me when I say you’re addicted, but if you can’t quit or if you suffer withdrawal symptoms when you do, that qualifies as an addiction.

Most men tell themselves they could stop looking at porn anytime.

Most men are under a spell.

Are you one of those men?

Rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 5:

  1. “I’m completely addicted to porn, no questions asked. I’ve tried stopping and can not do it.”
  2. “I really like looking at porn. I’m not addicted, but sometimes I look at porn even when I’m not horny…It relaxes me.”
  3. I like looking at porn, but I can keep myself away from it for long periods at a time…I rarely look at porn.”
  4. “I messed up one time and it won’t happen again. I know it’s my choice whether or not I look at porn.”
  5. “I can stop looking at porn anytime I want, but I honestly don’t see what the big deal is.”

Where do you fall…

Are you a complete addict?

Do you just not care?

Is is something you’ll get over with time?

An honest assessment of how heavily you’re addicted will help you understand why your wife left, and it will help your wife understand why you were looking at porn in the first place.

Why Does Your Wife Care that You Look at Porn?

What seems to you like nothing more than what all guys do, seems to your wife like a deeply emotional attack on her self worth.

Why is that?

Let’s look at what your wife sees about your habit:

Perfect Women. Perfect Bodies. Perfect Fantasies.

Your wife knows you’re looking at your ideal women when you’re indulging yourself.

She knows that the women are very fit, and that they’re paid to look good having sex. She knows that women in porn can put on a show, and she knows that it’s exciting to watch.

Most of all, she knows that you can find things online that will never be able to happen in the bedroom.

Are you starting to see how this could MAYBE affect her self esteem?

If she knew that you couldn’t help but look at these gorgeous women behind her back, would it surprise you to learn she was jealous?

Probably not.

She Knows She Can’t Compete

As I already said, many of the things that your wife KNOWS you’re looking at could never actually happen in your marital bed.

She knows that there is an exclusive part of your sex life that she has no place in, and it drives her crazy.

After all, I’m sure your wife would give you pictures of herself if asked. But that’s not what you’re interested in, is it?

She Thinks You Value Her Less

It’s only natural to start losing self worth when the person that you love can’t tear themselves away from their ideal sexual experience.

Your wife knows that she can’t compete with the actresses in adult films, and she assumes that she can’t fulfill your wildest fantasies.

When you show her that you don’t have control over your own sexual urges, it makes her feel like she’s not doing her job well enough.

She feels like somehow it’s her fault.

How would it feel knowing that your wife would rather masturbate in a world of sexual fantasy than have you in person?

Not very good.

At this point it’s natural that she start to question where she falls in your priorities.

She Feels Sexually Inadequate

Your wife loves knowing that she is the one that turns you on.

She loves knowing that SHE is the one that can make you squirm into an explosion of ecstasy.

She loves knowing that SHE is the one you fantasize about, that you can’t wait to get into bed with.

When she knows you’re looking at porn there is an ever present fear that you have found something more pleasurable than her.

She’s afraid, and rightly so, that you can give yourself more sexual satisfaction by yourself than with her.

To her it doesn’t make sense to say “I love you, but I like porn, too”. That statement doesn’t compute.

How NOT To Defend Your Pornography Mistake

If you don’t think that you should have to stop looking at porn, you are certainly entitled to your opinion. I’ll tell you that I don’t personally agree with you, but I can’t control your beliefs.

These are the most common excuses men give for looking at porn…Some of them are quite pitiful.

#1. All Guys Do It

This is the most overplayed card in the book.

I don’t know when this became an excuse, but it certainly shouldn’t be.

All guys do NOT look at porn, and even if they did, don’t you want to be separate from the majority?

Yes, a lot of guys have or do look at porn, but that should not have any effect on your own actions.

#2. It’s Just Visual Stimulation, I Don’t Love Those Women

This is sort of like arguing that an affair is okay as long as there’s no romantic feelings involved…

Would you agree with that?

#3. I Wouldn’t Care if You Did it

This is just insulting.

Clearly your wife does care about you looking at porn, and in her mind she views it similar to infidelity.

She’s going to interpret this as you not caring about the marriage or about her own fidelity.

What most men don’t realize is that everybody faces temptation, including your wife.

Don’t degrade the work your wife has done to resist her own temptations.

#4. It’s Better Than Visiting a Prostitute or Cheating

This is another argument that doesn’t make much sense.

Yes, looking at porn is not illegal, so in that regard it is better than going to visit a prostitute…

But it’s also better than murder.

If you cheated on your wife, would you tell her to stop freaking out because at least you’re not addicted to meth?

No! Of course not!

— — — —

These are all arguments I would advise against getting into.

Honestly though, instead of spending time thing about how you can justify your actions, you would be much better served by reflecting on what is missing from your marriage or your life that led you to seek comfort in pornography.

Did you know that you don’t have to WANT to look at porn? When things are right, both within yourself and within your marriage, there’s no need for porn.

Tips to Avoid Divorce After Looking at Porn

In most states looking at porn is a justifiable reason to file for divorce.

There’s nothing you can do to change that fact. But I know you, and I know you don’t want to get divorced.

I know that no matter how much you enjoy looking at porn, you love your wife more and you’d do what it takes to save the marriage if you only knew how.

Well, I decided I’d try and help you out, because I’ve struggled with porn myself.

Remember That Actions Speak Louder Than Words

It’s easy to say you’re going to stop looking at porn, but your words are meaningless unless you actually do it .

It’s easy to say you’re sorry for looking at porn, but your wife will see how sorry you really are when she finds your browsing history .

Words will only get you so far.

You need to SHOW that you care, and that means NO more porn, and YES more effort in your marriage.

Enroll in Therapy All by Yourself

If you really want to show your wife the you’re serious about breaking your porn habit and fixing your marriage, enroll yourself in whatever kind of therapy you think would be most helpful.

Don’t wait for her to tell you what to do

Even if your wife says that she doesn’t care if you go to therapy or that she doesn’t want to, by doing it anyways you will show her that you’re serious about her and the marriage.

Don’t Make Promises You Can’t Keep

I know that you would like to be able to tell your wife that you will never look at porn again.

I would love for you to tell her that too!

However, it will be more devastating to your wife if you make a bold promise and break it than if you make a promise too small and fulfill it.

If your actions show that you’re serious about the marriage, and you have a plan to stop your porn habit and fix things with your wife, then explain that to her. Tell her that you understand you’re addicted, you understand that you have a problem, you’re seriously working on it, and you’re going to stop. If possible, set a date that you want to be totally done by.

What you do NOT want to do is promise her immediately that you’re completely done looking at porn, and then 2 weeks later get caught in a moment of weakness…

You’ll break her heart. Not worth it.

Install Internet Blocking / Computer Tracking Software

If you have betrayed your wife’s trust more than once, then this gesture could go a long way.

To be frank, right now you don’t deserve her trust. Even if she hasn’t said this to you, I’d bet that she is second-guessing some of what you’re saying to her regarding your problem.

Install tracking software on your computer, and make sure that she is the only one with the password. This will let her keep tabs on you as much or as little as she wants, and it will also incentivize you to really quit.

Remember That You’re Not Always Entitled to Sex

The biggest problem that leads people to pornography, infidelity and many other sexual problems is the feeling of entitlement to sex.

We live in a world where sex is at every turn.

Sometimes it’s subtle, sometimes it’s blatant, but it’s always there.

We have become spoiled with sex, and most people feel like it’s something deserved, not earned.

There WILL be times when you are not getting as much sex as you want from your wife.

I’m sorry. This world isn’t perfect. It’s just the way it is.

That does NOT entitle you to porn, or the touch of another woman.

It DOES entitle you to be thankful for the sex you do have with your wife, which will in turn make it all the more enjoyable.

I Still Have Questions About How to Get My Wife Back

Well, we’re coming to the end of this article, but I understand that I may not have answered all of your questions here. Hopefully I got you thinking about where porn stands in your life, priorities-wise, and where it should stand in comparison to your wife.

I hope that you have learned why pornography is such a sensitive subject for your wife, and why you owe it to her to gain control of your habit.

If you’d like to learn more about how to get your wife back or how to save your marriage, then I recommend you claim your free copy of my ebook, The 9 Essential Traits of a Perfect Husband.

Alternatively, I also recommend you take a look at this marriage-help course…It’s the best one I’ve found specifically made for husbands.

Check it out – How to Save Your Marriage From Pornography

Either way you choose to go from here, I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you get your wife to come back around.

You’re always welcome here on Husband Help Haven!

Thanks for reading!

Kindly,
– Jacob Elichmann

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Jacob
 

Hi! My name is Jacob. I'm a freelance writer by day, blogger and marriage thought-sharer at Husband Help Haven by night. Even though I'm not a marriage counselor, I want to encourage men everywhere to become better husbands, fathers and leaders. Click here to read more about me.