The Let Her Go to Get Her Back Mindset

“Letting go is hard, but sometimes holding on is harder.”

That’s a quote I heard a while back. I don’t remember who said it, but I can name more than a few men Inside the Haven who would agree with that statement, tears in their eyes.

Let’s look at the facts…

Fact #1. We know that your wife wants out of the marriage.

Whether she’s having an affair, going through a midlife crisis, coping with depression, or just plain isn’t happy, the end result is she wants out of the marriage.

Fact #2. We know that you cannot control your wife.

You cannot force her to change her mind about the marriage. You can’t “convince” her to come back or have a change of heart. You can give her a good incentive to come back by being a wonderful, loving husband, but you can’t force her to want that incentive enough to change her mind. Many times, she won’t even recognize that incentive exists.

So, if your wife wants out of the marriage, and you can’t control your wife, where does that leave us? What needs to happen in order for your marriage to be saved?

Your Wife Must Choose to Come Back on Her Own

You’ve probably heard that saying…

“If you love someone, set them free… If they comes back, it was meant to be; if they don’t, they were never yours.”

This is never truer or more applicable than when your wife wants out of the marriage.

Just think about it…

  • Do you want to be married to a woman who only stays with you because she feels too trapped to leave?
  • Do you want a wife who only stays with you because she’s too scared to get divorced and live alone?
  • Can you have a lifelong happy marriage with a woman who is only with you because it makes more financial sense to do so?

This mindset is all about focusing on what you can control and putting yourself in the best position for her to start seeing you differently.


No, no and no!

Ultimately, your marriage is only going to work if your wife wants to be with you.

In order to ever have the type of joyful, lifelong marriage that you want, eventually you need a wife who chooses to be with you, who loves you, who wants you. You want a woman who sees the man you are and WANTS to be with that man.

Want to read TWO more chapters about separation?

This post is Chapter 1 from Manly Separation Survival. Click the link & scroll down to read Chapter 7 about Leadership Archetypes and Chapter 8 about Tactical Guidelines for separation.

Working Backwards to Your Marriage

What we’re really doing here is working backwards. We’re saying, “What would your ideal future marriage look like?” and then we’re working back from there.

In your ideal marriage, you are the kind of man you want to be, and your wife loves and chooses that man.

So, what things MUST happen in order to get to that point? It's pretty straightforward...

In order to get that marriage for yourself, two things need to happen:

1. You must become the man that YOU want to be

2. Your wife must recognize that man and choose to love him

You can control #1 – you can identify the kind of man you want to be and you can take steps to become and remain that man every day for the rest of your life.

You cannot control #2 – the most you can do is enable your wife to make her own independent choice to come back to the marriage by putting her in the best position to do so. This is where the let her go mindset comes in.

Make no mistake… #2 is crucial. Your wife has to CHOOSE to come back to the marriage. She has to CHOOSE to love the man you want to be.

You will NOT have a long-term happy marriage if...

If the only reason your wife stays married to you is because she feels too trapped to leave, or because she’s too scared to live life alone or because it makes more financial sense to do so.

The ONLY way you will have a happy, loving marriage over the long-term is...

If your wife makes a choice that she WANTS to be with you, or at least that she's willing to try. That is the only solution to this separation. There are no other magic answers.

I know I’m repeating myself a little bit here, but this is extremely important. You have to understand this core requirement that stands between you and a happy marriage.

So, What is the Let Her Go Mindset?
How Do You Do It?

I’ve been helping men through marriage crisis for about five years now. About 10,000 men have come Inside the Haven and I’ve personally talked over 1,000 of them through their wives’ separations, affairs and midlife crises.

I’ve seen many separations end in reconciliation and many end in divorce.

Some men handle separation very poorly and some men handle it very well…

  • I’ve seen men spiral out of control to the point that they attempt suicide after a few days living in a cordial in-house separation.
  • I’ve seen men stay strong, confident and at peace after months of enduring their wife’s ongoing affair and emotional abuse.

What’s the difference between these men? What do you do if you find yourself in that first category?

The truth is, when most men start out, they don’t “get it”. They don’t have the optimal mindset for coping with separation… They have to learn it and work to apply it. Sometimes it’s a bit messy.

If you’ve been that guy who has completely spiraled out of control, it’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re a failure – it just means you need to keep learning and keep working.

The men I’ve seen “separate well” – the guys who remained calm, confident and at peace even as their marriage was falling apart – they all did it by getting to a point where they were happy with the man they saw in the mirror.

I’m not saying every single one of these men got their marriage back. Many of them did, but many of them are now divorced.

It’s not that the men who got their marriage back did a better job than the ones that didn’t; both groups of men worked equally hard to become the type of husband they wanted to be. It’s just that some of their wives made the choice to come back and some of them didn’t.

It's About Accepting What You Can & Can’t Control

At its core, the “let her go” mindset is based on the fact that you cannot go into this situation trying to control your wife or change her mind because those things are out of your control.

In fact, the outcome of this separation is out of your control. There is no way to guarantee that your separation will end in reconciliation.

If your plan to get your wife back is to “convince her” to change her mind or to “earn” her love with changes in yourself, there is a frustrating and futile road ahead of you.

To be clear…

  • ?I’m not saying you should give up on your marriage.
  • I’m definitely not saying you should give up on being the best husband you can be.
  • I am saying that you must stop trying to control what you can’t.

NO MATTER WHERE YOU'RE AT IN YOUR SEPARATION, YOU NOW HAVE TWO SIMPLE GOALS:

No matter what kind of separation you’re going through, no matter what you or your wife has done to get you to this point in your marriage, you have two simple goals:

Goal #1. Figure out what kind of man YOU want to be and work hard to become that man

Goal #2. Develop clarity in what you can and can’t control to be at peace with your decisions

And in order to do either of those things, you have to be focused on what you can control. Read this carefully:

Once you have peace over yourself and clarity over your circumstances, you will be able to make optimal decisions throughout your separation.?

Ultimately, everything you will learn in this book about separation will go back to one of these two points.

Let Her Come to You

I want you to pay very close attention to this:

If the love of your life wants out of the marriage, there inevitably comes a point where the best way to prove that you love her more than yourself is by NOT trying to get her back.

We’ll talk more about when exactly that point comes and how to handle it later in the book. For now, start preparing yourself for when that day comes.

Right now, your wife is probably asking for space. Even if she hasn’t come out and asked, her actions are telling you she doesn’t feel close to you and doesn’t particularly want to either.

If you spend too long trying to “get her back” without seeing any results… If you keep trying to convince her to go to counseling, or to work on the marriage, or that you’ve changed, but she never agrees to any of it… Eventually she’s going to feel trapped.

For the overwhelming majority of wives who have come to the point where they want out of their marriage, even if you make immediate changes in your behavior to step up as a husband, they still need time and space to see those changes or believe they’re real.

So, give your wife time. Give her space.

What’s the opposite of trying to get your wife to come back?

Let her come to you.

And that’s exactly what you should be doing right now.

Some guys will take to this more than others, and it's more important in some separations than others. Again, we’ll talk more about what things you can and should be doing in this area later in the book. For now, just know that this is what you’re working towards… Let her go so that she can come to you on her own.

Don’t Deny the Worst Case Scenario is Possible

I have seen many, many men over the years who have gone through their entire separation refusing to acknowledge that it could end in divorce.

Most of the time, these men end up extremely frustrated because they put so much work into the marriage and see nothing in return. In their mind, even when they admit they need to give her space, even when they say they are abandoning ulterior motives, secretly they are still doing everything they do because they hope and expect that it will make their wife come back.

Don’t get me wrong – you should hold onto your hope and your faith in your marriage. After all, hope is all that any husband in your shoes has to work with right now. Keep hoping and hoping and hoping for her to change her mind.

... However, you also need to recognize this:?

One of the best ways to set yourself up for an extremely painful and difficult separation is to refuse to admit that divorce is a possibility.

Expectations are just pre-determined resentments.

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Most of the time, you will tell yourself you are maintaining this stubborn expectation because you “refuse to give up on the marriage”.

Conversely, many times the men who refuse to give up on their marriage are secretly using this determination as a mask for their fear or self-interest.

Get this into your head now:?

Acknowledging the possibility of divorce does NOT mean you're giving up on the marriage. It just means that you're aware that the outcome of divorce is not entirely yours to stop. It is physically possible that the outcome of this separation will be divorce.

Look - this is not a rule book!

If you have an immense problem with accepting that divorce could happen, if you cannot bring yourself to think in any way that comes even remotely close to “giving up” on a moral basis, then I respect that and I encourage you to maintain that mindset with confidence. Like I said, if hope is all you’ve got, do whatever you need to do to maintain that hope. 

I’m just telling you what I’ve seen happen with other men who maintain this forced expectation of reconciliation in their marriage – they end up frustrated.

In the end, the best approach I’ve found is to adopt the age-old adage:

Hope for the best; prepare for the worst.

Again, I am NOT telling you to give up on your marriage. This mindset is all about focusing on what you can control and putting yourself in the best position to remain as the man you want to be no matter what happens in your marriage.

No matter what mindset you adopt, continue to hope that your marriage will be restored! Don’t let yourself become bitter or resentful in order to make it easier to accept; you don't need that crutch.

The fact is, if you’re reading this book, your marriage may end in divorce. Some of you are already divorced.

You don’t have to sugarcoat it... You don’t have to try and find a way around it... You don’t have to pretend that you are 100% confident your marriage will succeed...

And yes, accepting that divorce might happen is painful. But just because it’s painful doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. And that brings us to our next point…

Letting Her Go is the Only Win-Win You’ve Got Left

“You mean accepting that my wife might choose to leave the marriage is a win-win? How the heck do you figure that, Jacob?!”

Well, just think about it…

It’s a win because letting her go is your best chance at getting your wife to CHOOSE to come back to the marriage.

Most of the time, the more your distant wife feels that you are trying to change her mind, the more stubbornly she will tell herself she’s made the right decision.

On the other hand, when you give her space… When you show her that your love is genuine to the point that you want her to be happy even if it’s not with you… That’s when you allow her to see you through unbiased eyes. When the pressure is really off, that’s when she can start to see all these changes you’re making as genuine and permanent.

It’s also a win because if she never makes the choice to come back, you have a head start on coping with the worst-case scenario. This will make transitioning into the next part of your life MUCH easier.

If you’ve already accepted that she might choose to get a divorce weeks or months before the divorce is finalized… If you’ve been living your life independently as the man you want to be… It’s going to be much easier to transition into the next chapter of your life.

Letting Go of Your Wife is Rooted in Love

On some level, most of the men who will struggle with the Let Her Go mindset believe that accepting she might not come back is too much like giving up.

Maybe this is what you’re thinking right now…

“Jacob, if I give up at all, then there’s no hope for the marriage because I’m the only one trying to make it work. In other words, if I’m not trying to fix the marriage and my wife isn’t trying to fix the marriage, then the marriage is over, right?”

It's certainly understandable to have that objection. It's easy to see how "letting her go" feels like giving up hope.

But know this: the Let Her Go mindset is NOT hopeless.

Just the opposite – this mindset is deeply rooted in love for your wife. In fact, your love for your wife is what motivates you to take this mindset in the first place! Just think about it:

  • You KNOW that you can make your wife happy and keep her happy for the rest of her life.
  • You are determined to continue working to be the best husband, father and man that you can be – the type of man you want to be.
  • You love her with all your heart, and your deepest, deepest hope is that she will see what it is that can make her happiest (you & the marriage) so that you can give yourself to her 100%.

But, you cannot force her to make that decision.

Why?

Because love forced isn't love at all.

Right now, you are afraid to accept the loss of your wife’s love for you.

This is the natural reaction when the woman you love tells you she no longer feels the same way.

But, as you let this fear of losing her love rule your life, what you don’t realize is that the love you’re afraid of losing is already gone and it’s been gone for a while.

At this point, you’re not trying to prevent her from losing her love for you; you’re trying to get it back. You are courting her, but in a much different way than you did before your marriage. However, just like the day that you proposed to your wife, you can ask the question, you can hope she joins you, but ultimately you can’t control the answer and you wouldn’t want to even if you could. Because again...

Love forced isn't love at all.

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In the end, letting go of your wife isn't about "being realistic"…

It's about coming to an understanding of what you really want and what love really means.

If you’re reading this, if you’re Inside the Haven, you have done and will do everything you possibly can to be the best husband and father and man you can be.

You KNOW that.

I know that.

That part isn’t up for debate.

Right now, you are waiting with open arms for your wife because that is under your control. And you WANT your wife to love you and to come back to a relationship with you, not just for your own and your family's happiness, but for hers too.

But, you also know that it must be her choice, because otherwise it won't stick.

By accepting that the future of your marriage rests on your wife’s choice to come back to it, you recognize that yes, there is a chance she might make the choice to divorce, and that will be heartbreaking. All the more so because you KNOW how happy you could make her. You don't have to pretend that, "Yeah, my wife might not come back, but it's okay, I won't be sad. Instead I’ll just be happy and life will be roses and this whole thing will just be awesome!!"

You don't have to pretend it doesn't hurt. That's not healthy or realistic.

You can allow yourself to be afraid of your wife making the choice to divorce and still relinquish control. Because after all that, the upside is worth it... If she DOES choose to come back, oh how joyful that will be! Oh how much love the two of you will be able to share!

The only way to the marriage of your dreams lies in letting your wife choose to join you in it.

… And that’s where the “let her go to get her back” mindset comes from.

Want the next chapter?

Click here then scroll down to get two more sample chapters for free. Chapter 7 is all about leading your marriage when your wife wants out, and Chapter 8 is about 11 Tactical Guidelines for you to use during your separation.

Click Here to Leave a Comment Below 23 comments
Joshua - last year

Thank you for this. This is exactly what Gods being leading me to and through.

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Randy - last year

letting her go is so painful, I know what I am supposed to do. it is applying it that I am having difficulty with.
let her go, for her to choose to come back. 28 years together her 19 years old me 20 been with each other our entire lives. two grown daughters at some point her and I lost touch, intimacy, emotional connection. she one day says to me after all seemed ok (not great but ok) don’t ever touch me again I want out, this was out of the blue to me. she moved out, broke off virtually all contact, I am trying to let her go. I am trying to let her go.

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Frank - last year

Thank God for people like you Jacob, On top of all the hurt and confusion that a situation like this causes , when looking for answers from anywhere , there is a lot of conflicting advise on what to do out there . I wish I had read this article much earlier , and pray that others in my situation have the strength to accept and act on what you have mentioned .

Thank you for the good advise .

Regards.
Frank

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Kent - last year

Wow, wow is all l can say. Jacob your words ring true so true. This is the hardest thing lve ever endured and yet l feel a sense of calm reading your words. I’m letting go.

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MAQ - last year

Jacob, I’ve read this message from so many other sources and have had it DICTATED to me so many times over the past 6 months of our separation, but for some reason it’s finally hitting home with these words. Thanks so much. I hope that I haven’t pushed too much at this point to allow her to feel safe enough to approach me. I love her so much and have been in a flat panic. I really messed up for a long time (addiction, neglect, undisclosed infidelity from years ago), and am a much different person. She says she wants a new experience with someone new. Here’s hoping she’ll be able to see that the changes I’ve made over the years are real, lasting — that I am a new person and capable of providing a new experience.

Cheers.

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Brad - last year

Hi Jacob,
Thanks for the article, this is where I am now. I was with my wife for nearly 21yrs, we had our good and bad times. Always got along really well. Well things had been rocky for the last couple of years, and I thought we had turned a corner and things were getting better. Well she told me she wanted to separate, and need to find herself. Well eventually she moved out. We still each other a lot, and talked all the time. I never stopped trying to work things out, even when she tried dating I was trying. Eventually things blew up and I said I had enough and was going to walk away. We talked and agreed that we would work on things, a few weeks went by and she told me that she was feeling too much pressure and wasn’t ready to start back into a relationship with me, and needed space to sort her stuff out. She is going to a counselor to help. So I guess because I love her, and want her back I have no choice right now but to give her the space. Reading this article has given me some hope that maybe it isn’t completely done.

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SE - last year

Jacob,

You may want to edit this section I placed in quotation below to remove the wording “WRONG”. I was looking into this site to get research on what’s happening because I was completely caught off guard. Things weren’t great but we’ve survived worse trials. Death, illness, stress, kids, moving, etc. The minute she saw this page that I had looked at it enraged her. “Oh, I can’t make this decision because it’s “WRONG”. Everyone else knows what’s RIGHT and I’m always WRONG!” That was essentially how the conversation went. I’m fairly confident my marriage is over but perhaps this can save someones…

“By accepting that the future of your marriage rests on your wife’s choice to come back to it, you recognize that yes, there is a chance she might make the WRONG choice, and that will be heartbreaking. All the more so because you KNOW how happy you could make her. You don’t have to pretend that, “Yeah, my wife might not come back, but it’s okay, I won’t be sad. Instead I’ll just be happy and life will be roses and this whole thing will just be awesome!!”

You don’t have to pretend it doesn’t hurt. That’s not healthy or realistic.

You can allow yourself to be afraid of your wife making the WRONG choice and still relinquish control. Because after all that, the upside is worth it… If she DOES choose to come back, oh how joyful that will be. Oh how much love the two of you will be able to share!”

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    Jacob - last year

    SE,

    You make a very good point and I am so deeply sorry for the hurt that your wife has felt and the bias that she feels is pointed against her. This is certainly a change that I will look for a way to incorporate into this post. Thank you for having the courage to leave this feedback.

    To offer some context, this blog post comes from a chapter of a book that was still in the early stages of being written, and my hope in publishing it was to get feedback while speaking about a very difficult-to-accept concept for men facing the loss of their marriage. My goal in wording it this way is to respect the feelings of the men who come to this site in a very difficult, very painful place. And the truth is, I DO always think that reconciling is better than divorce. But I also understand that reconciliation is not an option for everyone, and I respect that your wife believes divorce will make her happier than staying in the marriage and continuing to put in work that she may have no faith will work.

    With that being said, as I go back through and update these “sample chapter” blog posts (such as this one and this one), this is something that will definitely be addressed in the updated version of this chapter because of the feedback you have left here.

    I wish you and your wife the best of luck in your marriage or whatever comes next in the next chapter of your life. You may email me at jacob (at) husbandhelphaven (dot) com if you wish to talk further.

    Much manly love,
    – Jacob

    Reply
Perry - 8 months ago

Thank You, i wish i would of read this sooner… i was going crazy when i found out my wife wanted to end our relationship and it was because i first didn’t think this would ever happen and second because i didn’t know what to do or how to think. when the anxiety of my wife wanting to leave me is over whelmeing i read this article to bring me back. again thanks for all the insight and information. if i can’t get my wife back i hope to find a new wife that i can apply this information and be happy with. Thank you so much

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Jackson - 6 months ago

Great Stuff Jacob – I can’t get enough of your articles. I wish I would of been turned onto them three months ago. My wife keeps saying “I don’t know” when I ask if she wants to return home and work on our marriage…what the heck do I say to that? It is very frustrating! Thank you again Jacob for all the manly advice!

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    Jacob - 6 months ago

    My advice is to stop asking her if she wants to return home and work on the marriage! Trust that when she wants to return, she will. Until then, let your actions speak louder than your words and trust that she really does need the space right now to work through her own issues. Spend the time working on yourself and try to make the most of the time you get together with as little pressure as possible.

    Reply
Mario Tanjun - 6 months ago

Thank you Jacob, after reading so many websites on separation and empty promises and tricks on ” How to get your wife back” finally somebody is making clear the path to follow. You are not “sugar coating” the situation and telling us straight forward material that will help us know the ground we are stepping into right now.
thank you

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Edward - a few months ago

Thank you for sharing this information. I am currently seperated from my wife. It was my fault. I did treat her and respect as I should have. I was the beggar and was doing exactly what you said not to do. She said she needed space and she was not getting the space with me at home. I reluctantly left the house. We both agreed it was temporary. I truly believe that if I continued to be the beggar I would have lost my wife. I now have hope that there is a chance we can work it out I am focus on doing what you suggest. Thank you and I pray we will work it out

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Seth - a few months ago

My wife has left me 4 times since we married…. our 3 year anniversary came up recently…. the first time…. i had to be strong… i knew it wont over but i had to be strong and not break they needed me…. i needed to take care of us… i was the only one working she was gone almost 2 months… the second… i hit a wall unlike anything i ever experienced hardest thing in my life to said point, she was gone for 6 months…. cause everything from convolutions to hallucinations (the stress was making me have a mental breakdown)…. some how she came back…. the third she was gone a couple days… i went and talked to her and she came home…. the fourth and now…. shes been gone for 8 months…. ive put everything into it…. honestly in time ive realized… it isn’t me…. its her…. and i know theirs nothing i can do… marriage is all compromise…. you cant make it work alone… and this hits nail on the head…. i feel like letting go is giving up… i feel im the only one working for it… kills me to let go… for me i dont think there will be a happy ending… but i like to think some one is out there who wants to be with me… and not run away..

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    Jacob - a few months ago

    Separating four times in 3 years definitely tells me that your wife has some deeper unresolved issues that she’s trying to avoid dealing with. Sadly, she has got herself into a routine behavior of blaming the marriage instead of getting the help she needs. Personally, I’d recommend you go talk to an individual counselor. They can help you keep your head on straight and deal with all the stress you’re going through right now.

    Reply
Mark Flanagan - a few months ago

I have read the posts and article. I am trying to.move forward the best way I can. Me and my wide are currently seperated. She has since said there is no chance of us getting back together.

However I am hoping that if I stay away and just see her when I collect my daughter then she will come back to me. I have every intention of trying to change for the better. I have been the better but now I need to try and be the strong silent type and see if she comes back to me. Just hope to god it works

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Martin - a few months ago

Hi all

Just been reading through the posts trying to get other people’s viewpoints. My wife says she doesn’t love me anymore and wants me to leave.
I have been trying for months to win her back, but I just appear to make things worse and she blows her top over the smallest things. Eg sat down to watch a film, went to get her an ice cream, washing was wet room decided to sort, was about 15 mins, went up stairs when she told me I wasn’t there for her, remote control thrown against wall lead to a night on sofa and I’ve been there ever since (last 2 nights)

I’m going to give her what she wants and have a trial separation where I’ll move out, and hopefully this will give her some space, I love her and want things to work

Thanks for the advice

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Aaron - a couple of months ago

I’m trying to learn how to do this. My wife left 3 months ago, we still text almost everyday, she calls me to come over when she’s feeling lonely but dodges me anytime I try to do anything with her. i feel us growing further apart. We have no kids and nothing to hold us together after the divorce passes, and I think she may have already found someone else and is just afraid to tell me. I haven’t begged her to come back, but I’ve made it clear I want to work on this and at least give it a shot. There’s no abuse or anything, she was just unhappy in the marriage. I think I might need to let her go for real.

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Murray - a couple of months ago

My wife had seperated with me off and on the last 7 months. She keeps telling me she’s going through something and that she doesn’t feel love for me. I’ve tried everything possible. I work out of town so for 10 days I’m gone and only home for 4. I now know that she has slept with another guy. She had called me Friday morning after spending the night at his house balling saying she wanted to come home. And to take things slow and not put a label on it. She listened to our wedding song all that day on repeat. Crying. She got home and said she never said those things and that she had a couple drinks over lunch and mentioned her and I should go back to Mexico. I’m confused to what she wants. She keeps telling me she wants space but still continues to talk to this guy because he is there for her when she needs him. And he doesn’t overwhelm her or talk about the relationship. My hearts broken but I’m trying to stay strong for my kids. Today she told me she doesn’t want this other guy but still doesn’t know what she wants. She just wants space and maybe speak to a councillor. I just want my wife back so I’m giving her the space requested. She doesn’t want to sell our home or anything so I’m left to believe she wants the idea of what we have but it what we actually have. It’s hard being the better man when you find these things out. But what am I to do? Is letting her go the best bet?

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Bryant - last month

what i have read has helped me so much more an its the same thing i have received from some others i have talked to. she moved out about a year ago, an regretted started a lease about six months later. ever were we go, she thinks others females want me, an says im to friendly because i have a great sense of humor and love making her smile an they smile also. we travel some were ever weekend or a ever other weekend, an she shows nothing but love till a month ago, she said she needs space and she loves me but not in love with me anymore. i felt so used because i got her a new car an sold her other one, and she kept over half the money from the sale. none of that bothered me, until she said, nothing have changed in the last 3 months, and it wasn’t going no were. so she moved here little items out when i went to a car show that she changed her mind on going with me. i told here i didn’t no i was on a trial, period. i had changed so much with my time at work for her and us, and showed her more love than before, but it didn’t work, just like you said in your article. so i took the new truck back and told her she was going to drive another car i got for her before this new one. she said she dont want anything from me, an called her friend and left. i haven’t heard or seen her in 4 weeks. she wont talk to nobody (mom,dad,counselor,friends, nobody) im hurting because this silence was killing me, until i read your articles. i guess my question is, how long do we wait, before we quit hoping and praying and go file for a divorce? P.S do you think i was wrong for taking the truck back? she was vary hesitant in driving it at first. she had all this planed,an i told her i wouldn’t have sold her other car, if i new she had this planed to separate in two months. thanks

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Alan - last month

Omg! I really needed to read this..Lord knows I’ve been trying so hard to get her back but she constantly rejects me. Now just by reading this article I can now give her the space she needs and be mindful of a divorce… Thanks

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Bob - a couple of weeks ago

After 43 years of marriage, my wife asked for space. So painfully I have been away for 3 months. I called several times a day. But lately I’ve given her space to sort things out.
It has torchered me to not be with her and frankly I never would have thought she would do this.
I recently told her that I was sorry for pressing her to come back and that she could take all the time she needed. Immediately she said I could come back.
I want to continue to give her space, but it is hard after 43 years.

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A - a couple of days ago

I am a woman.
I understand what you are saying and I think it is important that the husband
still pursues some but more from a distance if he wants to get his wife back.
Such as, flowers and a card with something written about when they first met.
Maybe just once a month a lil something or maybe wait longer depending on
how needed the guy was before. Women like to be pursued and know
that the guy will always love us, but I do understand what you are saying
especially if the guy has been desperate, extra needy, wimpy…etc. I just
think if the woman is on the way to divorce if he isn’t in the picture at all or
worse she is with someone else and then her husband is doing nothing
romantic and isn’t in the picture at all then I do not think chances are
good for reconciliation.

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