Are you worried that perhaps someone other than your spouse has become your top priority?
Or maybe you’re here reading this because your husband or wife wants you to see for yourself that your relationship with a “close friend” is actually an emotional affair.
The fact of the matter is, if you’ve ever asked yourself “am I in an emotional affair,” the answer is probably “yes”. And if your spouse is worried that you are in an emotional affair, then you probably are.
Please, for the sake of your marriage, be open with yourself as you continue reading this emotional affair quiz. It’s only 15 questions long and all of them require simple yes or no answers. I would recommend getting a piece of paper or opening up a text file and keeping track of your answers.
I’ll tell you how to score the quiz after you’ve finished.
IMAGE CREDIT: FreeDigitalPhotos.net, jscreationzs
The “Am I Having an Emotional Affair” Quiz
[Printable PDF Short Version] – If you’re concerned that your spouse may be having an emotional affair but refuses to see it, print out this quiz then give them the score sheet afterwards.
#1. Have You Ever Said, “We’re Just Friends”?
If you’ve ever said to yourself “we’re just friends” regarding this other man or woman with whom you have a close relationship, that’s a bad sign. Friendships with the opposite gender work differently when you’re married, and if you have to tell yourself – or your spouse – this excuse, something’s wrong.
#2. Have You Crossed the Line of Secrecy?
Emotional affairs are so easy to get into because most people don’t know the “line” past which a friendship turns into an emotional affair. The relationship feels harmless until you’re already in too far. If you’ve ever told your “friend” something that you wouldn’t have told them if your spouse was right next to you literally holding your hand, that’s past the line of emotional infidelity.
#3. Does He/She Give You More Attention Than Your Spouse?
Did you know that the most common excuse for emotional infidelity is “my spouse never pays attention to me”? Usually what that really means is that yes, there are marriage problems, but you’ve chosen to distance yourself into the arms – either emotional or physical – of another man (or woman).
If your “friend” gives you more attention than your spouse, that’s not a reason to continue the friendship… That’s a reason to figure out what’s wrong in the marriage.
#4. Do You Confide in Your Friend about Your Marriage?
Similar to question #2, if you’ve ever talked to this opposite-gendered friend about your marriage problems or the inadequacies of your spouse, that is a huge red flag.
#5. Do You Have Sexual Chemistry with Your Friend?
Flirting with another man or woman is like playing with fire. Nobody intentionally gives into temptation… It’s something that you slowly open up to through a series of bad choices. If you’re flirting with this other man or woman, then your friendship is dangerously close to turning into something more, possibly something physical.
#6. Do You Think That Only Physical Affairs Count As Cheating?
This is another classic excuse of the emotionally unfaithful. If you feel perfectly fine having an intense, secretive “friendship” because you’re not having sex, then you are misinformed. The very definition of an emotional affair is a physical affair minus the sex part.
FYI – Uninterrupted, almost all emotional affairs turn into physical affairs.
#7. Have You Given up Trying to Talk to Your Spouse?
Most men and women engaged in emotional infidelity think that they’ve done their part for their marriage. They’ve given their marriage problems “the old college try”, and since that didn’t work it’s okay to seek fulfillment elsewhere. The emotional affair is what’s making you feel this way, or at the very least it’s a contributing factor.
#8. Do You Look Forward to Being with Your Friend More Than Your Spouse?
This one’s fairly self-explanatory. Especially in an unhealthy marriage where it’s much easier to give into temptation, if you find yourself looking forward to companionship with another man or woman more than your spouse, that’s a bad sign.
#9. Do You Care What the Other Person Thinks about You?
Once again, if you put more effort into your appearance, your communication, and your general presentation for this potentially illicit friendship than you do for your marriage, that’s another red flag.
#10. Have You Ever Compared Your Friend to Your Spouse?
Even when your spouse is making an effort to be loving or kind towards you, you may underestimate their effort by comparing them to this close friend who you have so much chemistry with. If this comparison has ever been sexual in nature then you’ve definitely strayed too far.
#11. Have You Ever Lied to Your Spouse about Your Friend?
Maybe you don’t deliberately lie, you just leave out certain details. This is how emotional affairs start. For example, you and a coworker start going out for lunch or coffee every day… Innocent enough except that you don’t disclose this to your spouse.
#12. Do You Feel like You’re Drifting Apart from Your Spouse?
Similar to question #7, you may very well be drifting away from your spouse emotionally, but don’t blame that on your marriage or on your spouse… Even if you had marriage problems before, becoming emotionally involved with another man or woman WILL drive a wedge into your marriage.
#13. Have You Ever Wished That Your Spouse Would Treat You More like Your Friend Does?
This usually won’t happen while you’re actually with your friend, but on your way home as your mind is wandering, or after a frustrating night with your spouse, you may find yourself wishing that your spouse were more like this close friend. Usually this is also when you start wondering, ”Am I in an emotional affair?”.
#14. Have You Ever Deleted Texts from Your Friend out of Fear of Discovery?
This could also apply to e-mails, Facebook messages, Skype chats or any other form of communication. Basically, do you ever hide just how much you’re talking to this other man or woman?
#15. Are You Reluctant to Give up This Relationship, Even If Your Spouse Disapproves?
Last but not least, if you feel like you shouldn’t have to give up this extramarital relationship/friendship in spite of your spouses feelings, you are in the danger zone. Your marriage should be your top priority, bar none.
In a healthy marriage, no friendship should come before your spouse, even if you personally disagree with their reasoning; you simply trust your spouse’s judgment and enjoy knowing that they would do the same for you.
Count up How Many Times You Answered “Yes”
Now that you’ve gone through the Am I Having Emotional Affair quiz, it’s time to find out how you did.
Here’s how to score your answers:
1 or 2 Yes’s – You’re probably not in a full-fledged emotional affair, but you need to turn your attention to your marriage.
3 to 5 Yes’s – You are having an emotional affair, even though it probably doesn’t seem like it to you. It’s time to permanently end of the friendship and give your marriage another shot.
6 or More Yes’s – No question about it, you’re having an emotional affair and your marriage is closer to divorce than you realize. You’re probably in denial about the depths of your unfaithfulness, but rest assured that you have broken the trust of your spouse. The only way forward is to forcibly end the emotional affair. It will be a long and difficult road back to a happy marriage.
No matter where you ended up on the quiz, if you’re here taking this at all then something is wrong. Your marriage needs to become your top priority, no matter what. Now you have no excuse… You know in your gut whether or not your “close friendship” has crossed the boundaries of marriage into emotional infidelity, and it’s time to take responsibility.
In the end, if you’ve ever ask yourself, am I having an emotional affair, then you probably already strayed too far. However, hopefully this emotional affair quiz has given you a definitive answer. Please feel free to check out the rest of the resources in Emotional Affairs 101 for more help.
With much manly love,